just something

of hidden kisses and stolen glances (we can never defy the odds)

it was abrupt. 

a sudden awakening of poetries and lullabies. 

a mess. chaos. 

but ours. 

how naive of me to think someone would finally be ready to take on the endless ifs and should bes in life. how naive of me to think someone would finally caress my face as if it's the greatest treasure they have ever held. how naive of me to think someone, in the name of yours, would finally see me worthy of a thousand tears and wounds. 

i am never worthy. i fight and fight and fight for the things i want. there is no destiny if i pursue it. right? maybe the gods just pitied me, and got tired of my pleas and prayers - what a cruel display of empathy. do i need to travel thousands to find the half of me? search for that song that most people knew of but just not.. quite mine. listen for the words most people say but never in the way i need ... or want ... or like ... or crave. 

what do i need? 

i have thought it was you. and your lazy smirk. and your cheesy jokes. i have thought that someone, in the shape of you, was the half i have been finding. it wasn't that long. no. it was the shortest interaction I've had with someone. but you showed me things no one ever tried to do before. you told me things no one had the courage to do so before. 

you are by far, the most intimate lover i have had. the nakedness of your being, presented before me in that one afternoon by the river - is by far the most naked a man has ever presented himself to me. i have seen the physical nakedness of men and what you've shown me was so much more ... deep and exhilarating. your thoughts, emotions, and things that make you - you. i would carve those whispered words in my bones and hope that every time you touch me you'd find a piece of you in me. because who am i if not a lover of a person's secrets and insecurities and anger? i am a keeper of the parts you think no one would love you for. maybe i am god - for my love is always unconditional and ever being. 

oh how i love the silence and the gasps and the glances. how i loved the way you kissed me like a man starved. how i loved the way you respected my words - an extension of my being. how i loved your control and was silently praying that you'd lose it. because, darling, i would bare myself open for you to poke and judge and see if it meant i can have the silence with you again. but i am not yours. i never had the chance to give myself away. and for that i thank you. 

the end with you feels like the clearest end i have reached. there is no reviving the fire between us, forever buried by thousands of things both of us still need to heal. i know that if it did not stop, you would be the second coming of my ruination - and i would let you. your touches and soft whispers and kisses are worth the wounds and scars i'd wear after you. 

i am a keeper of scars and pain and anger - a keeper of the things you might not love right now, even yourself. but no one keeps me. no one tries to hold me tight enough just so i can never let go. no one tries to. so i keep everyone instead.