Never have I ever

09

Day 6.

I woke up with soar, puffy eyes the next day. I checked my phone and it says 7:05am.
I don't feel like waking up
My Mum knocks the door to say breakfast is ready. I answered "okay" but I never got off from bed. I pulled my comforter over my head and stayed opening my eyes into the darkness of it .

I wasn't able to put myself to sleep last night. So, I took out my phone and delete all the old messages I exchange with him . Also, I happened to reread those starred messages.
I still couldn't accept that things are over.

I hate him yesterday. And today I'm blaming myself.
At the beginning of our thing, now I don't know the word suitable for what we once had, he had said ,"I deserve someone better" and " I'm afraid I  might hurt you .".
How could I be blind to not see the signs?
How could I be so naive to not know that when a person says " I don't want to hurt it" it's a warning and not otherwise.

I changed my side and faced the window.  That day when he threw pebbles to wake me up flashed right before my eyes and I shut it off. Stupid memory.

I mindlessly scrolled my phone. Nothing keeps me hook or to gets my thoughts distracted so I locked my phone and put it away.

I starred at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face. I stayed in that position for what seems like an hour.

He never deserves me. The voice in my head  speaks. I listened to it finally.
I got up from my bed and make my bed before I jumped to showered.

I may not be in the state to accept that things are over now but may be in the future I know I won't even feel hurt thinking about him.
For few good minutes, I sat and hugged my knees and cried in the showered.

Also this eyes will stopped crying for him  someday but it's not today and it breaks me even more.

Day 7.

I thought once I hear from him  I'll be more lively and back to normal. I prayed the first few nights before I struggle to fall asleep that one message from him explaining why he ghosted me will put everything at ease. But look me at now. I was wrong.
Ever since I found out about the letter and his asshole reasoning, I seem to be opposite of lively. First I lost sleep, then missed assignments and now classes.

What more do I need to lost in order to get over you quickly?
I took my breakfast and went back to my room.
My Mum asked what about my class. And I lied I have none. And I slammed my door and lay on my bed, starring at the blank ceiling again.

He must be laughing with her, his heads on her lap while mine lies on the hard lifeless mattress.
I crawled back to fetal position and slept.

The clattering sounds on my window wakes me up. I woke up and rushed to the window all hopeful. My sudden action cause me head bobbing but it will be all worth it if he's back.
The 2 seconds it took me from my bed to my window, my mind thought all kinds of possible hopeful thoughts.

And it shattered when I find Julie in the lawn instead of Charles.

His name sound hurtful already.

I took my time to get to the front door and open the door to her .

"Julie, is it you?", My Mum head peeps out from the kitchen.

Julie greeted my Mum and she lead me upstairs to my room.

I sat on my messy bed. She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips scanning the room and  finally narrowing down her eyes on me ,"This is you moving you?"

I fall back on my bed and answer ,"it's harder than I thought".  She joined me in the bed.
She doesn't lay down. She rest her head on her elbow and said, "should I introduce you to one of my boyfriend friends?". Her words were supposed to lighten my atmosphere but I muttered  nothing. My tears began to rose and I don't want her to see me so broke so I turned my back against her and muffled my sobs.
She scoots closer and run her hand on my shoulder offering comfort saying nothing.

I hate the person I'm becoming. A cry baby. That breaks down at everything. The word he once said travels back to my  mind and I said in my muffled cries ,"he promised he'd never make me cry. And if I'd cry he did kiss my eyes and my tears away. Now that I am crying,where is he?".

Julie says nothing but she makes me turn to her and  she embraced me as I cry until my eyes dried.