Never have I ever

08

We both skipped a class to finish my practical. I'm , for the first time, glad that our college campus build their photocopy store near the library. It saves me a lot of time.

After that we went to cafeteria. Julie buys me my favourite strawberry pudding and asked me to ,"spill".

I told her about his visit to my house and never heard from him again. Even showed her my text and call history.
Tissues became my bestfriend. I keep wiping my tears away. Julie reached for my hand and comfort me.
"What do you want to do now?", she asked 

What do I want to do now?

"Move on from him sooner than he would", I answered feebly.

"O fcourse you will move on. It's so ungentlemanly of him to end things like this. That piece of shit. He was so bend on making you happy and after making you get attached he had the nerve to ghost you? He must be a dickhead", she got worked up. To hear Julie speaking All the words I could never say to him makes me feel a little relieved.

"Saturday we will go on a date. Just me and you. To the restro cafe". She suggested.

Restro cafe is the first place where I met Charles. Julie's aware of it.

"But.." I retorted.

"Moving on first step. That's where we will begin from" she says with a conviction tightening her hands around mine.

Day 5.

I have off class and took it as a chance to clean my room. I clean my study corner first. And moved to my closet.
Then, my drawers. I neatly arranged all the stuff. The last drawer, I pulled out. With all the stuff going on lately with my life I almost forgot about the parcel I received from Charles that I shoved into the drawers.

I sat on my bed with it. And took out everything delicately as if it would break if I applied a slight pressure. The ache in my heart is back but my eyes are too dry to shed a tear.

There was a chocolate,  small crochet flower with a pot and a letter.
A letter
That's the last piece of message I'll have from him.
I slowly pulled out the letter from the envelope. The envelope wasn't even press. Did he wrote it and put it hastily? Or did he wrote few letters and cannot decide which one to send me so he hastily put it one without seal in case he change his mind in changing it to another letter? The same difference.

Hey,
The word starts of casually. And I found myself responding "hi".

I couldn't tell you in person so, I gather my courage to write this letter to you. I know you like receiving letter as a part of your romance and I'm sorry to let you know that I'll let you down.

Before I begin it I want you to know that you're a lovely person worthy of every love and happiness. You deserve more than I could give and I once thought I could give you all of it means it will bring a smile on your face
But I'm sorry. I couldn't do this anymore.
By this time you read this letter, you would hate me and I probably couldn't handle that so I decided to blocked you. I'm sorry again.

Remember I told you about my ex girlfriend. We got into a fight and we stopped communicating. I thought it's over and tried to move on. That's when I met you.  Soon after I met you a week later, she contacted me. We were in touch   and we decided to get back together .

I met you when my wounds are still new and I was aware that I'll hurt you at some point.  You were  nice to me and I thought I could forget about her hanging out with you. But as days passed and I fell for you slowly and deeply, the guilt I felt towards you was eating me alive.

You probably hate me and you'll hate me more. I deserve that and I won't asked for your forgiveness.
You deserve someone better than me.
You deserve at least an explanation that's why I wrote this to you. I do not want you to blame yourself or doubt yourself.
You are worthy of love.

I'm sorry

Goodbye, Celine.

I read it twice. Thrice.

He was aware this will end ugly yet he dragged it along.
The anger in me rise and I have never hate him so much.

I unlocked my phone and opened his message and type a  text and sent.
Jerk.

How could people be so cruel? How could they approach someone with so much ease knowing things will be left ugly for the another person? Knowing it will forever change the definition of love they had once fantasies? Knowing it will somehow to some extent tainted their white heart with a bruise of blue or purple?