Hiding in the yellow tube, I sobbed to the warmth of my knees pressed to my chest. I wanted to scream but the scream wouldn't reach anyone but my broken eardrums. She wanted me gone when I wanted to talk. I rubbed my eyes again and again because I regretted everything. I was sorry for being pushy. I was sorry for wanting her company more than anything else. I was sorry for wanting to fall in love with her. I was sorry for falling in love with her.
I wanted to stop thinking, like slamming my head against the tree super hard and never having to think another thought again. Uh, too vulgar. I could feel myself falling asleep with all the scenarios dancing around me like movies that flashed through and throughout. And I couldn't help but feel stupid. And selfish. And needy. And sad. And-
"Otori-san!"
No. I wasn't feeling that.
"Hi. You found me crying again."
"I- Yeah. It's okay. Me too."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I'm really, really so-"
"-Sorry? No. No more apologies. You apologize when you don't need to. Do you want to talk instead?"
"Fuck," she laughed dryly. Her throat sounded like it hurt. She was on her knees trying to hide the droplets pouring down her face. It was weird to see her cry and instinct washed over me. I crawled out the tube and stroked her back as she let all her anguish loose.
"Fuck, I'm so-...no sorry I'm-- fuck, this hard."
"You can say it once."
"I'm so sorry Otori. I let you down. I don't know how I'm feeling right now because all I've been experiencing is anger and anger and disappointment all the time. I can't talk to you anymore because I'm trapped and I don't know how to save myself. It's like you said. I'm fighting against the natural tide but it doesn't want to let me go."
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"I guess you know what it's like, huh?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I won't listen. Come on."
I held out my hand to her and she took it. I bid her towards the swings where we hung lazily, side by side.
"Can I tell you everything? Will you be here to listen?"
"Do I look like I have something to do if I broke into your house at 11 pm." I rubbed the remaining tears out my eyes and barely managed a laugh. "Tell me everything, Mafuyu. I'll sit here and listen."
I saw her faintly blush and she nudged her swing slightly into the air.
"My mom is very controlling." She paused to inhale. "Very. She's very specific about what I do and say. I have a hard time remembering who I am or what I like because she's been governing my behaviors all my life. What I like is what others like. What I dislike is what others dislike. I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I guess that's at the expense of my own happiness. And desires. And freedom."
"So are you happy? Or are you living in the shadow of someone else?"
She was several feet in the air but her voice still resonated clearly.
"Maybe. I don't know. I don't know what I want anyway."
"You sound like a people pleaser."
"You're a genius."
"Gee, thanks."
A shy smile crept upon our faces as I propelled myself into the air beside her. We were shouting over alternate swinging rotations.
YOU ARE READING
It's Only Us in the World
Storie d'amoreI never thought I'd find you. Because I didn't. You found me. They're both on opposite ends of the spectrum. How could people of conflicting identities join hands and brave the same sunset every single day? It's a subtle summer morning when Mafuyu...
