i like to set things in order and feel absolutely nothing at all. maybe the solace of an austere life is everything i need. i like the smell of washed clothes on my room. the yarn against my skin when i'm doing crochet. the taste of the chiffon cake my mom has made for a hundred times, leaving it on the ref in case i starve myself again. i love and loathe the view of my laptop flashing my notes as i learn something new. i like the repetition, the never ending cycle of same old things.
but the smell of cigarette mixed with something sweet that i couldn't fathom. your hair against my fingertips when i'm staring blankly into space. the taste of your lips against mine. and i had no idea, that seeing your face in my mind, in my screen, in my dreams would be something i love and loathe at the same time. and feeling everything at once is not that bad at all.
but i don't like how that made me queasy. how something inside me begs to be let out, and i wanted to scratch it, dig up my flesh, and spill my innards. and it made me think that if i have to drop on my knees i would. i'd be begging to please. just please. let me go back to the never ending cycle -- the austerity of my solace. please don't ruin this for me.
