The Spirit Walker (BOOK ONE): The Ripple

Chapter Twenty: A Conversation

The mood on the ride back is much less charged, much more solemn than our drive to The Lodge. I stare out the window, forcing a strained smile and waving at the crowd that will one day be considered my people.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Calum asks after several moments, and I chew on my bottom lip, reluctantly turning away from the window to face him. 

"It would cost you a lot of pennies."

"As luck would have it, I am very rich," Calum returns. I raise a brow, and he grins.

I shake my head and sigh. Where to begin?

"Is it what Grandmother Vanora said?" Calum prompts, and I let out a sharp, hiss of a breath and lift a shoulder in half a shrug.

"What if she was right? What if I can't have children? Isn't my job as Bhanrigh to give you an heir?"

Calum is silent for a few tense heartbeats, and then he shakes his head. "Your job as Bhanrigh is to rule this nation at my side. To make alliances, avoid war at all costs- and end it, if it becomes unavoidable." He swallows, and rubs his palms against his thighs. "Why put any stock into what she says?"

"Because it's actually very, very possible that she's not wrong," I sigh, and lean my head back against the wall of the carriage. Calum cocks his head to the side in question, and I close my eyes, unable to look him in the eye.

"How does birth control work, in this ripple?" I ask.

"There are prophylactics made of lambskin, but those are costly- and unpleasant. Generally, women drink an herbal tea made from silphium."

"Condoms- prophylactics- are very common in my ripple, but also unpleasant. Women use birth control pills- but they have to be prescribed by a doctor. Master didn't want me to get pregnant. But he also didn't want to use condoms. And he couldn't get me a birth control prescription since he was keeping me chained up in a basement."

I squeeze my eyes closed, my throat tightening, my chest constricting with the memory. I feel wetness prick at the back of my eyes and I dig my nails into my palms. I force the memories away.

Calum swallows his growl, but I hear the unnerving rumble of it in his chest, nonetheless. The hair at the back of my neck prickles.

"We have this thing called Plan B. You're supposed to take it in emergencies- It's ok for some girls, but for others... it completely messes up your system. You cramp and bleed, and sometimes puke... He made me take one every single time he... well, you know. It was at least a couple pills a week.  I was one of the ones who reacted poorly."

Calum doesn't quite manage to contain the sound he makes this time. I keep my eyes closed, my head turned away from him.

"They say that there aren't any long term effects, and that you can use it as much as you want, but... infertility is becoming a huge problem in my generation. Some people think taking all that stuff is part of it. I don't know for sure, but... Vanora might be right. Especially if I already had some sort of underlying biological condition. If you and Ceallach weren't using birth control for three years and she never got pregnant... We're different people, yeah, but she and I have the same biology."

Calum is silent for a very, very long time.

Finally, he scoots closer to me and gently cups my jaw with his big hand. The touch zings through me like it usually does, but I feel the old, familiar revulsion and nausea churning in my gut along with the desire.

"Look at me, Raelyn." The words are a gently spoken request, not a command.

He slips his hand from my jaw up to the crown of my head, and then caresses my hair in a soft, soothing, caring motion. One that makes me feel heard. Seen. Special. Safe. I lean into his touch, in spite of the twisting of my gut.