My Soul

Chapter 2

It's been 18 days since I slept with Rick. 29 Since I heard your voice and over a month since you held me in your arms. 28 days since the news about my mom came to light. I tried to jump into something without healing my heart and it all just blew up in my face. I honestly hate you for doing this to me and breaking me to the point of no repair. I don't want anyone but you; I know you don't want me. I did what you said baby and tried to be a better woman. Was there for Rick when he needed it, bought him food, gave him a fan, picked up a train set for his kid. It wasn't for you though so it meant nothing. I thought trying to give myself to someone else would help me forget about the way it felt to be held by you. I fucking miss you. So. Damn. Much. I also want to key your car and put sugar in your gas tank. I have a few day dreaming moments of me just fucking your life up. Then I come back to reality and know you're not worth it but the thoughts are there. I can't get over the fact that you just left me like I was nothing and on our 2 year anniversary. Life has been shit since you left a nail in my tire, hit a wall, and oh my mom might have cancer. I tried to fuck you away and that didn't even work. I have been a horny mess and have no regard for any men and if I hurt them or not because I only cared about you. I just want a distraction to take my mind off of you and if a dick is attached to that then so be it.

You'd be happy to know that it crashed and burned with Rick. He just wants to use me as a taxi and won't even drive my car. Come pick this couch up for me or these bricks, and can you give me your ps5 and rent money. I'm so mad that you threw me back out into this bullshit dating world. I thought it would be us forever. I know I wasn't perfect but fuck I didn't deserve this. I never cheated on you. I was always faithful to you and I let you control me. I guess I'm just not what you're looking for. Or shit got too real for you and like usual you ran away. Why does love hurt so much? I have a line of available suitors just like you said I would have but they all mean nothing to me. Just a distraction to keep my mind off of what I really want. The sad truth is I know you will only break me more but I don't want anyone else. Anyone after you will always be my second choice because you baby are my forever.

I started drinking again and now I'm smoking everyday just to try and numb the pain. I want to tell the world you're a dick but who cares? The spaces inside of my heart are empty again and expanding each day you are away from me. I know I'm the one hurting the most or you'd be knocking on the door to try and fix us. You are really gone and I'm dead inside but have to keep living. How do I keep on living when I don't even know what to live for anymore. I worked so hard to make a future with you and that was my only goal. Now that you're gone I just feel so lost. I don't even know what to say or what to do anymore. It's like I am living in a nightmare and I just won't wake up. Please come wake me up. Take me to the other world like you did before. I want our adventures back and the way you made me scream in your truck. Are you even thinking about me right now? Did I mess up your head like you did mine? Or am I just obsessed with what we had; or the version of the future we planned.

I can't stop thinking about if my mom has cancer or not, and that I want Tyler to hold me and tell me that it will all be okay. That we will make it and we don't give up on what we love. I just hope she doesn't have cancer. If she has it it'll break me even more than Tyler leaving. I can't lose anymore this year. I looked up at the sky praying the lord wouldn't take another person I love from me this year. I don't think I could keep going if it happens again. My great grandma then grandpa 3 months later, then news flash let me take the love of your life too. Now potentially my mother; what's the point.

I pressed the joint to my lips and inhaled letting the smoke fill my lungs. This wasn't the way to deal with my emotions but fuck it. I am only human after all. Everything I love is going to shit I might as well too. I sat back on the teal cushions chairs on the front porch as my body relaxed and my thoughts began to slow. For a moment nothing else mattered. I was at peace with no thoughts and my body felt amazing. I sat up and opened my phone to try and get my mind off of Tyler. I went to the app store and downloaded a dating app called badoo. Tyler would be so pissed if he knew I was doing this. He doesn't get to be anymore; you aren't his Hope. Not anymore. I picked some of the better pictures I had of myself and made my profile. He wanted me to be single, I'll be single all right. The badass was about to come back out of her cave, she has been in hibernation for too long. Leather pants, leather jackets, and punk rock attire were all coming out of the closet. He thought I flirted with other men when we were together shits about to go down now. Fuck love. I just wanted to act on any impulse I had from now on. I was going to fuck whoever whenever I wanted. If I wanted it I was taking it. I went for love now it's for fun. I'll still have my standards of course, but I don';t want a relationship right now.