My Soul

Chapter 5

The wounds in my heart have slowly been healing for a few months now and each morning the air fills my lungs better than the last. I deleted all of our pictures together as I held a bottle to my lips and drank. Fuck you, you lying cock sucker. I shouldn't be drinking but it helps numb the pain as I pull the sword from my heart. You will no longer be able to hold the sword in place and control my movements. You are gone. I need to allow myself to feel alive again. Go after what interests me and what excites me. I thought I wanted Steven but he served his purpose and helped me feel confident with myself again. I already know the cruel reality he is just a scared little boy in a grown man's body. It doesn't hurt to hear your name anymore. I no longer have dreams of my heart shattering into a million pieces. Your control over my emotions are fading and the real you is now clear. A fucking waste of space.

"Are you almost ready? Hope we have to leave in 5 mins." My mom screamed from the top of the stairs. Fuck I went into my closet and turned on the light and looked at my outfit one last time. It was cute. I looked sporty but also like a baseball player's wife. I didn't really like baseball games. I was just going for my mom. Her work was paying for the tickets and signed us all up to go. We all needed to get out of the house though. I really didn't want to sit by Eddie. They keep trying everything to get me to like this man. I wish I could just to make them happy, but then I wouldn't be happy. I grabbed the bottle of apple crown royal and took a big chug and placed it back in the freezer. I was going to need some liquor to be nice to everyone today, especially to Eddie.

"Yes mom, I just have to put my hair up." I said as I tried to close the freezer without the big bang. I failed when Lily jumped on me telling me she had to go potty.

"Put the whiskey away, it won't be that bad. Just tell Eddie you want to be friends even though he's such a good guy." My mom ordered. Lily dashed up the stairs and mom let her outside. I just don't get why they keep pushing this guy on me. Maybe I needed just one more sip. It was going to be a long day. I opened the freezer back up, looked at the nasty bottle of whiskey and just debated. I didn't even like whiskey but fuck it. The less I felt the better so the bottle hit my lips once more and that was it for me. This wasn't me. I walked up the stairs and dumped the rest of it down the drain. I put my hair up in the bathroom and placed my sparkly hat on my head. My makeup was probably over the top with glitter but that was me. I mixed the colors to look like a sunset on my eyelids. I was wearing a white Detroit Tigers t-shirt and a pair of light blue high waisted shorts. I had long earnings on and I didn't even know who was looking back at me in the mirror. I looked like what Tyler wanted all along jokes on him. I am for sure having at least one frozen drink at this dumb game. I bet it would be fun if I was going with a group of friends and didn't have to be on my best behavior. I wore my white Michal kors gym shoes that also had sparkles on those. Lily pawed at the door to be let in and I opened the door and she went back down stairs. At least the company was providing a party bus so we can all drink if we want.

"Come on, we have to leave guys!" My mom yelled from the other bathroom. I hoped it would warm up. It was pretty cold this morning and I didn't want to be downtown by the water, it will be even colder than it is here. I grabbed a blanket to bring with me just in case and walked out the door. I just wanted to get today over with; the whiskey was starting to hit me. All my body aches had disappeared and I already felt lighter.

"We are coming, woman." My dad said as he emerged from their bedroom. No one really wanted to go to this thing. My brother came out from his room and we were out the door. The car ride was silent pretty much just the way I liked it. I couldn't help but think that he would enjoy an outing like this. He would probably just accuse me of wanting other guys the whole time though. When in reality all I wanted was his love. I thought alcohol would make you disappear from my mind. Why am I still even thinking of you? You could care less if I ended up in a ditch dead. I put my headphones in my ear and didn't want to be bothered. I just wish I could go back in time and never fall in love with you. I would have saved myself so much heartache. Here I am drinking away my pain and it still isn't working. Will the sting of you go away ever? Why do I let the thought of you consume me so much? I know you are not thinking of me like I am you. If you were, you'd be knocking on my door trying to get me back.