My Soul

Part 4

    It has been nothing but a shit show the past few weeks and all I wanted was some comfort from the one person who doesn't even want me. My life has completely blown up since you left and maybe it is for the best. Maybe I needed to lose you to find myself again and see the reality of my life. I needed new friends and to really focus on myself and the people that truly care about me. The people that have always been there for me are the ones you tried to push away from me. I think you wanted to isolate me to make me all yours and once you saw you no longer had the continuous control over me that you crave so deeply. This new girl will see right through all of your bull shit and hopefully she will have more guts then I did and leave. You need someone you boss around and manipulate into what you want out of life. I fell in love with a narcissist. I do love you Tyler. You are just no good for me and letting go of you is slowly killing me inside. With each breath I exhale you from my body and I start to feel happy again. I was right to call you a drug because all you do is tear people apart. There are still times I sit up crying wishing you would just hold me but then I remember how easy it is for you to just leave me and run. Why would I want someone like that?

I didn't run from you when shit got hard. I was there for you in everyway I knew how to be so take your bullshit and go fuck up some other chicks life. I have your game down pat now and I will come out on top. You are in the same position as when we first met. I'll be shocked if this chick moves in with you so quickly. Good luck mooching off her like you tried me. As for Hailey, you were right about her and her you. You both are so alike I can see why you hated each other. I am no longer moving with her and will be doing it on my own. I assume you both will try and show up around the same time after everything is done. Begging to have me back in your life and I'm getting to the good riddance part now. I have deactivated my social media to clear my mind and it has been a breath of fresh air. You want to be in my life, show it. I don't need anyone I didn't for the longest. I need to get back to that mindset. I will get back to it. I am an independent bitch and I let you take that away from me. I only have myself to blame for that but it will never happen again. Sure, I miss you but I'm crying with or without you so i'd rather cry a few more nights then the rest of my life.

Hailey really hurt me this time and I don't think our friendship will recover from this. My mind drifted back to the phone call and how she told she didn't want to move in with me. It is honestly fine that she didn't want to move in with me but what she did in between was bullshit. The fact that she just bagged all my late grandfather's things and threw them in the living room was burning in my stomach.Then threw away things without even asking. Wrote on the walls in the spare room and scraped the wallpaper off the walls. I did say she could write on the walls but because we were going to paint. Throw away all my curtain rods and door handles for the cabinets with the intent to get new stuff together. Now I have to replace all this on my own. I would never do that if the shoes were reversed. It's called respect. Then tell me over the phone the next day you don't want to move in the gail she had and call me a selfish bitch. She couldn't even have a conversation with me in person, years of friendship washed down the drain. I didn't even cry though when I told her to go fuck herself.

Once Tyler walked out of my life I promised myself I'd never let someone hurt me and control my emotions like that again. You can't control who you fall in love with but you can try and control the aftermath. So losing Hailey felt like a little bee sting. It'll hurt for a few days but I will be fine. Nothing will hurt like the day you walked out of my life. I will never give that power back to you knowing that I feel myself emerging from the darkness. I warned everyone though I thrive in the darkness and come out more beautiful and deadly than before. Push me to my breaking point and I will emerge better than you left me. I can feel it beginning to happen to me slowly as each piece of heart begins to heal. I do have to thank Tyler for teaching me to be strong and stand up for what I want or believe in. That is the one good thing our toxic love story has taught me. Will I ever love someone like I did him probably not and I may still cry for no reason because I just miss him. He also taught me I can survive a broken heart and soul. Will I ever fully heal, I don't think so. He will always hold a huge part of me with him. It was true love and at least I can say I got to love mine. So this little bee sting is just a bump in the road. I know he will be back eventually. That is his pattern. He is a broken soul and I can't repair him until he accepts that I am the only one that can. He can go and look for someone better but he won't find it. He isn't ready to let love in his heart yet and I finally understand it now. Part of me will always be looking out my window hoping he shows up but the other know's he just isn't ready. I will live my life and when he shows up again take it from there.