Hearts Desire (Harry Styles)

Chapter 4 - Long Sleeves

After the Beachwood Café I found myself isolating in my room for the rest of the day into the night, not for reasons that I would have before in a sulking fashion, but because I was dealing with an internal battle inside of myself to try to find my way back to the light. To at least step towards it. There was no doubt that I was holding myself back, not allowing myself to heal like I deserved. Change wouldn't happen over night, I knew that, but some sort of progress would be better than nothing. 

Maybe before I would have called my therapist, feeling trapped in my past, but this time I just embraced it. I let myself dig through suppressed emotions, suppressed memories, opening my chest cavity up to try channel the pain that tainted my heart, to try to force myself to talk about what I had been through, not for my therapist but for myself. My brain could barely keep up with the speed of my pen on the paper, parts of me flowing through the words like a small steady stream just waiting to burst into a waterfall. I wanted to get there someday, to have that progress, and I knew that eventually it would happen. 

I really cried for the first time in months, more than just a few tears, but the type of cry you can feel in every fiber of your body, the pain shooting through your chest as it escapes. The type of sob where nothing comes out at first, like your body can't make a sound but you can't breathe either, until finally it almost comes out in the form of a scream. All I remember is dropping to the floor grasping my knees to my chest, leaning against my bed as the sobs escaped before Dustin busted into my room, dropping down to my level with zero hesitation. He pulled me into his chest while the tears continued to flow, soaking the grey hoodie that draped over his body. We sat there as he rocked me, shushing me like a small child as he held the back of my head.

Embarrassment quickly washed over me as I calmed down, Dustin's eyes glossed over as he watched me pull away, trying to contain myself like nothing had happened. He didn't try to push for me to talk about it, but I knew I had scared the shit out of him. Brother's shouldn't have to deal with this, and I couldn't help but feel like somewhat of a burden again. This was terrifying for me, wanting to crawl back into the numbness, but I knew that I had taken a step and I couldn't fall back, not this time. 

He hasn't tried to mention it today, acting as though nothing had happened which I was thankful for. Mitch was unaware since he hadn't been home at the time, and I had every intention of keeping it that way. 

We headed to the studio early again, first day back since they had taken the few days off, but Dustin decided to make a quick coffee run down the street for everyone. Instead of going along with him, I decided to stay in case anyone showed up while he was gone, although that really wouldn't have mattered he didn't argue. We were back in studio E, which made me wonder if they always chose this one. It was tucked away in a corner at the end of the hallway, but felt more personalized than the others I had wandered into. 

Mentally I felt clouded, yet a little lighter than I had before like I had taken a small fraction of weight off of my shoulders. My fingers picked at the unraveling stitching of my journal, going back and forth in my head if I wanted to look at what I had written last night or let it be for the time being. "Come on, Mia-" I whispered in encouragement to myself, "You have to try to face it to keep moving forward...it's just you." 

Panic twisted knots in my stomach as I flipped to the page that a small piece of fabric marked. My breathing was shaky like my hands as I made my way over where the same guitar from before sat, hoping Harry wouldn't mind as I was almost certain this was his. I tried to shove the feeling of nausea back down, knowing that this was a step I wasn't even sure I was ready to make, but god I missed it. I missed being open, I missed the feeling that this gave me, and this was as good of an opportunity as any being secluded in this sound proof room.