Hearts Desire (Harry Styles)

Chapter 1 - Golden State

The salty air clung to my skin as the waves crashed against the shore that sat just feet away from the space I had claimed to be mine. My eyes held onto the water like there was some magnetic force between us, something comforting about the unknown before me. Comfort, something that can come in the most simple ways, something I hadn't felt in far too long. Maybe I felt comfort in the unpredictability of the ocean due to the fact that my life had been anything but predictable over the last few years. In my 23 years of life, I had never felt so out of control, so far away from the person I was, who I wanted to be.

My brother was always the first person who noticed, always noticing when the darkness began to consume the light in my eyes. I would be lying if I said he wasn't the reason I was sitting here today, both literally and figuratively.

Never did I see myself moving across the country to California, but I guess it's true what they say about never saying never. "Hey, there you are!" Dustin. The constant in my life, the one I could count on no matter what. My absolute best friend. "All of your boxes have arrived safely and are stacked in your room." He beamed with pride as he placed himself down onto the sand next to me, clearly happy that he had somehow gotten his way yet again, officially getting me to the West Coast. "I knew you'd love this view." He gave a nod towards the water. "It never gets old." There was another brief pause before he chose to speak again. "How ya feelin?"

I released a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. "That's a loaded question-" I muttered, eyes still focused on the water ahead of me as the breeze took control of my long hair. 

It was a loaded question, how was I? The words rang through my brain in an attempt to figure out exactly how to answer, conjuring up some basic reply that he would inevitably see right through. But, instead of giving him the type of answer he was looking for, I felt my shoulders tense up towards my ears and drop suddenly. "Optimistic?" I finally spoke up, realizing it came out as more of a question than a statement. 

I envied my brother and his ambition, he was so incredibly successful here, he was making a name for himself, and then there was me. The girl that had to run away to her big brother because she couldn't handle her life anymore. I felt like I was skydiving into a downward spiral, the life slowly being sucked out of me as each second passed.

"You're gonna love it here, Mi, I promise. This is going to be so good for you."

I wanted nothing more than to believe his words, simply because I wanted nothing more than to actually feel something other than pain and dread again. The vicious cycle of regret and self loathing was like being stuck on a carousel that just keeps spinning in circles, experiencing the same thing over and over.

Dustin ran his fingers through his hair, much longer than I remembered it being the last time I had been here visiting. Granted, a lot had changed for him since the last time my feet touched down in the golden state.

Right as I felt words working their way up my throat, commotion sounded from where the house sat behind us, this commotion meaning one thing and one thing only.

"MAMA MIA!!!"

Mitchell motherfucking Rowland.

Before I even realized I had stood to my feet, I felt his body collide with mine in a massive hug, ya know, one of the hugs that squeeze every ounce of oxygen you have out of your lungs, but you don't mind because this is the kind of hug you crave. I couldn't help the genuine smile that tugged at my lips with the reunion.

"Man, it's great to see you!" His smile was radiant as he pulled away from the hug, grasping onto my shoulders instead of fully letting go completely.

I copied his actions and grasped onto his, even though the height difference made it more of a challenge on my end. "Glad to hear you say that, because prepare to get sick of me. I'm officially moved in...kind of, still have to unpack but you get what I mean."

Mitch and my brother had been best friends for really as long as I could remember, making him the bonus brother that I desperately needed, especially when Dustin was being unreasonable, or what I thought to be. They moved to LA together to pursue their dreams and it seemed like those dreams kicked off into reality the second they arrived.

"Couldn't happen, kid." Dustin let out a laugh as Mitch ruffled my hair, sending it in every direction possible. "Now you getting sick of us, highly likely."

Dustin stood up from where he was still seated, brushing the sand off of his jeans. "You sure you don't wanna come to the studio with us? I don't wanna leave you on your first official day as a California resident."

My hands tugged my sweater closer to my body, "I'm fine, go to work and don't worry about me. I need to start unpacking, maybe take a nap-" I managed yet another smile, "I'm good, I promise."

There was uncertainty in his eyes, and I could tell there was an internal battle with how they kept shifting back and forth. "At least let us take you out to dinner."

He was worried about me, had been for quite some time, the least I could do was ease his mind. "Of course, I would love that."

His features brightened at my response, "Well great!" Mitch spoke before Dustin had the chance. "How does sushi sound?"

"Sounds perfect!"

                                                                                               ****

There was something about driving around the golden state that I loved, I couldn't really explain it, most people hated having to deal with the hustle and bustle of the crowded roads. Maybe it was the way I felt a sense of freedom as the wind blew through my hair, the California sun beaming down on me, my skin craving the vitamin D.

After making it through two bags of clothes I decided that I deserved some much needed self care in the form of my favorite iced caramel latte and chocolate croissant. Placing Dustin's convertible in park, I took in the environment around me until the blue door came into view, I could almost feel my heart flutter at the sight. Although it had been a little over a year since I had been here, the feeling of familiarity provided ease to my racing mind.

The Beachwood Cafe.

It was like my body went into autopilot as I walked through the door, before I knew it sitting in the corner by the window with my coffee in hand. The cafe was charming and surprisingly quiet, which was a major plus on my part, and I quickly deemed this spot my safe zone, my escape.

I hummed in satisfaction at the first sip of my coffee, my tastebuds dancing from the much anticipated reunion. My eyes scanned around the space in curiosity as I tugged my journal out of my tote bag that claimed the stool next to my own. People were chatting, some were reading, some listening to music, and some even appeared to be journaling just as I was going to do. Journaling was what my therapist back home, well what used to be home, asked me to continue after making my move. She said it would help me express the emotions I was feeling, but at this point I didn't really feel anything, just a numbness deep in my soul. I could put on a smile and laugh with the best of them, but that didn't reflect what I felt on the inside majority of the time.

Sometimes I wished I could buy emotions so I could feel something again.