King and Yara

Chapter 13 (King): Fear And Cowardice

Copyright © 2024 by GroveltoHEA

Blowing out a huge breath, I looked at Yara to see how she'd taken the story of my past that I'd never really shared with anyone.

"It makes me a shit person, but I was relieved there wasn't going to be a custody battle for the children, no ugly divorce with her trying to use the children as pawns, no dealing with her trying to use the press to sell stories for money. I paid millions to keep the circumstances of her death out of the paper."

That shot Yara out of her chair and to her door, which she yanked open. "OK, I'm done listening."

I walked over to the door and slammed it shut and put myself in front of it. "No, you're not. You asked to hear about Runi. I told you everything about her, from how we started to how we ended, and I told you everything. I've never told anyone except my lawyer about that shit, and that's because I hate talking about it. Something that started so well turned into a personal hell. Telling me my children probably weren't even mine? Threatening to take them from me? Even if they hadn't turned out to be my children, they were my children."

She didn't like that Runi had done that, I could tell from her face.

"I'd never, to that point in my life, shown bad judgment. I'd never trusted my heart to someone and the first time I did, it turned into a fucking nightmare. And then, Yara, I turned around and did the same thing to you."

"I don't want to hear this."

"Well, that's too fucking bad. You said you were ready to listen, and you asked me to tell you about her. I could have given you the bare bones story, a sanitized version, but I didn't. I could have let you believe the same story everyone else does -- that I loved my first wife and was devastated when she died. I let that lie live because it's easier than answering questions about the whole lying mess she turned into, about what a misery she made our lives, about the many ways I had to insure that my children were protected, about the constant worry. Yara, I gave you every last excruciating detail so there would never be any question about her again, so that I'm not holding anything back from you. I don't want you thinking I still have feelings for Runi because I don't. What I feel is failure that I didn't protect her."

I stepped toward my wife, getting close enough that I could easily pull her against me and hold her. I had a feeling she'd gnaw my face off if I tried that, so I settled for being as close to her as I could.

"I've failed you, now, too. I failed you by letting my first marriage and what happened with Runi dictate my response to you telling me you loved me. I failed you because I didn't say I love you back. I almost fucking did, but then I thought how I'd clearly destroyed one woman through some failing of mine and if anything were to happen...God, Yara, the thought of anything happening to you kills me. So what did I do? I went out and let things happen that would hurt you because I'm a cowardly piece of shit. Instead of talking to you, I ran as fast and as far in the opposite direction as I could and I hurt you."

"That's for sure," she agreed.

I jammed my hands in my pockets; a new habit of mine to keep from reaching for this woman I no longer had the right to touch.

"Do you know how many wishes I'd like to be granted? I wish there was more than sorry to say. It's so fucking inadequate for what I wish I knew how to say. I wish there were words to convey what I feel like inside for hurting you. I wish I could go back and stop everything when you said I love you to me. I would have moved over you, looked in your eyes and told you I love you right back. I would have told you that I fell in love with you when you were here for your interview and I couldn't keep my eyes off you as you played with Carter and Louise, when you told me I didn't look like a Henry, when you were just so perfect I could barely think. And when I could think again, I knew I wanted to lock you down, Yara, so we could have time to get to know each other slowly."

"You didn't have to marry me for that."

"I did, though, Yara. I'd sworn after the Runi shitshow, I'd never risk it again. But then you showed up for an interview, and my heart started beating in a way that was new, in a way I'd never experienced before, and suddenly I was trying to figure out a way to have you without tipping my hand until we got to know each other. So I told myself we could have a marriage of convenience to start. You turned out to be even more perfect than I expected. Coming home to you and the children every night was my idea of heaven. Then, after Louise and Carter were in bed, being with you on the couch -- I'd never experienced that before but I wanted to have it for the rest of my life. It meant that much to me."

"It meant so much you were willing to let it go and hurt me in the process. That really showed me how much you valued us. Me."

God, I just wanted to hold her and not let her go until she forgave me.

"I thought I should be willing to let it go. Talked myself into thinking it would be for the best for you. Didn't bother trying to stop the pictures, even after I talked with you. I wish I had, but at that point, it was already two weeks too late."

"The damage was done," she said calmly. The exact opposite of how I felt. Desperate. Clingy. So fucking needy for this woman it wasn't even funny.

"The damage was done." I looked at her as I agreed and inched even closer. "I had regrets with Runi. Believe me. Second guessing every conversation, trying to figure out where I'd gone wrong. What I could have done differently. How I could have handled things better so she didn't have a tragic end. So I know regret, Yara. But that regret was nothing when I stopped reacting like a little bitch and started thinking. Once again, it was you that snapped me back to reality. I was getting money out of my wallet to leave for room service, and I saw the picture of you I always carry."

Her eyes widened at that new-to-her information.

"I took it right after we got married. You're looking over your shoulder at me, laughing, holding the peony bouquet up in the air. That was the moment that I knew I couldn't let us end, so I promised myself that I was going to make everything up to you."

"Inviting Carmen into your home was a great way to start winning me back. Foolproof."

"Our home and it was a calculated move. Not a great one, not one I was comfortable with, but it was my back up plan if we couldn't get the hotel footage. I was keeping my enemies close, Yara."

"I felt like the enemy having to be around her."

"Believe me, it's on my list of things I fucked up that I will be making up for, and it's a long list. You know what I'm like, Yara. I decide, I act, I move on things. Ninety-nine percent of the time, my instincts are infallible and in that way, I'm able to watch out for you, for Carter, for Louise, for the company, for the board, for my employees. Three words from you, and I fell into the one percent fallible category. I was thinking of myself. Not you. Not the children. Not what was at risk in the grand scheme of things, just me. That was unforgiveable. Careless. Thoughtless. I already told you it's literally been making me sick every day, but it's no less than I deserve."

Yara definitely agreed with that.

"You said you loved me. I'm saying it to you right now. I love you, Yara, and I have from the first minute I met you. It was unfair of me to treat you the way I did, and I made so many mistakes, but I'm hoping I can regain your trust. I want to throw our arrangement out. I want to start making my mistakes up to you. You were never a nanny, you were never a convenience. You were everything I wanted in life, and I'm sorry it took me fucking up in the way that I did for me to be able to admit it."

Yara looked a little overwhelmed and her eyes darted to the door. 

"That was an overload of information. I'm sorry, Yara, to hit you with so much all at once."

"I'm going to go to bed now."

She wouldn't look me in the eye, and that was something that would take some time.

"Good night, Yara."

I opened the door for her and as she walked through, I said quietly, "I love you."

She didn't pause, just kept walking away from me.

Where were those words when I needed them? Being shoved back down my fucking throat by Fear and Cowardice.

No more. Tomorrow, the war for Yara's heart would begin in earnest.

Copyright © 2024 by GroveltoHEA