King and Yara

Chapter 20 (Yara): Whatever You Want

Copyright © 2024 by GroveltoHEA

"If you want to know, just ask," I called softly to King after he wished me good night. "You've been walking on eggshells since I came back from the island."

Although, I don't know if that kiss he'd just given me could qualify as walking on eggshells. That kiss, though fast, had been everything I had to fight against in my weaker moments. It was the great dichotomy of being in love with someone and being terribly hurt by someone. Of being both drawn to and repelled by someone. Of wanting their comfort and knowing they caused your need for comfort. Of wanting to stand strong and wanting to just melt into their arms for a brief moment of respite. There was nothing simple about the duality of feelings we were capable of as humans. I loved King and I also hated him for what he had done.

A tentative King tip-toeing around me was baffling to watch but also entertaining since uncertainty wasn't in his normal wheelhouse. He turned back to me after I spoke to him and didn't stop until he was about two feet away from me.

The corner of King's mouth kicked up for a second, unamused. "What you're seeing is a man who's trying not to scare you off, Yara. I'm fucking terrified that if I push, if I ask if you have any answers, you're going to just go, walk away. So, since I can't bear the thought of that, I'm waiting for you to let me know."

"That about kills you, doesn't it?"

"It's one of many things that's about killing me since I hurt you."

"What else is killing you?"

"So much, Yara, and it's all made that much worse knowing we're where we are right now because of my actions."

"Tell me specifics."

For a moment, his lips curved into a smile and his eyes focused on something far away. The past?

"Sitting on the couch and talking with you on my lap. Putting the children to bed together and sharing a secret smile over their heads because of something they said that was inadvertently funny. Reaching out for your hand and having you squeeze my hand back. Having you hug me when I got home. Being able to hug you whenever I wanted. I miss all those ways my heart was connected to yours. Not having you to talk with is the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life."

"But --" I didn't understand how he could say that considering Runi.

But he knew what I was getting at. "The very worst thing, Yara. Nothing else comes close."

"What else?"

"I love that you know me well enough to know there was more. But I think about how we started as friends, talking about everything, how you made me laugh and take myself and life less seriously. You made me see it as something to be enjoyed, not something that was just full of responsibilities. You made me feel things I'd never experienced before, and I loved the way you made me feel but at the same time, you scared the hell out of me."

"There's nothing scary about me," I said.

"Not about you, but about the way you made me feel. Despite my fears, I always wondered if I did anything for you, made you feel anything good the same way you made me feel. I wanted to know everything about you, every last thought, because you fascinate me. I was reluctant to push it when we were friends but all I really wanted to do was pull you closer to me. Explore that feeling if I could ever find the courage. The first time I kissed you, I swear that night I got up every ten minutes to make sure you weren't packing your bags, ready to sneak out and leave me. Us."

"I never even thought about it."

"I was so fucking happy to finally be able to use physical ways to express how I felt about you. Kissing you, hugging you, making love with you. I was saying everything I wanted you to know without having to commit to it with words. That final step terrified me because I was a coward -- classic case of once bitten, twice shy -- and I destroyed our lives together because of my motherfucking fears."

As if he couldn't help himself, his index finger traced the skin of my shoulder, following along the strap of my tank top. He wanted that contact with me, maybe even needed it, and I actually did, too, so I allowed it for a moment before I stepped back. Out of his reach. Then he continued.

"So, yeah, I am walking on eggshells, and I am trying not to overwhelm you with the need to tie you to my side so you can't leave. That's all I wanted to fucking do, use your bond with Louise and Carter to keep you here so I could buy some time, see if I could ever gain your forgiveness. But I knew I couldn't keep doing wrong by you, Yara. I didn't want you to stay for the children. I wanted you to stay because you wanted to work this out between us. Because you still loved me. So I offered you your freedom by giving you full, legal rights to our children. And they are yours, Yara. Your love for them is the most beautiful thing to watch; it's pure and sweet and loving. If you adopt them, you can leave me if you want and still be their mother."

That was the easy question to answer, a definite no brainer. "I want to adopt the children," I told King. "That I know with one hundred percent certainty. But as for the rest, I don't have any answers yet so you're going to have to wait until I figure things out."

"That's fine, Yara, and it's more than I deserve. I'll have the lawyers get started on the adoption proceedings right away. And once that's finalized, we'll do the custody agreement, so you have that in writing."

"Some people would look at this adoption as insane on your part."

"Why?" he asked. "Because if we got divorced I'd share custody with you and you aren't their biological mother? You're my wife and you're their mother, and you have been since the interview when you cared enough about these children you didn't even know to make sure they picked up their toys. If I was a different kind of man, that could have lost you the job. But I knew, with that action, that you cared about Carter and Louise."

That touched me. King wasn't just saying this, he meant it.

"I don't think it matters to you that you didn't give birth to them, Yara. And it doesn't matter to me, either. We are their parents, wherever you decide we end up."

There was that dichotomy again. It was both unnerving and empowering that our futures would be determined by whatever I decided.

"Then let's take this one step at a time and we'll deal with the adoption first," I said. "I'm not thinking beyond that for now."

"Whatever you want, Yara. It's up to you how we move forward."

King was about to show me how true both of those statements were. 

Copyright © 2024 by GroveltoHEA