The Silent Desire

Chapter I - A Sudden Epiphany

"Did you hear?"

"Would you believe me if I said no?"

"I see.."

Looking at the unhinged expression of Kushida in front of me made me question most of my decisions since I entered this intriguing school. I wanted—no, I promised myself—to enjoy a peaceful life here devoid of trouble. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to understand modern society, explore, analyze, and integrate myself into it. I would most likely never again get another opportunity, another chance to live as a normal high school student.

So then why? Why did I not try to mingle with other students and make friends? Why did I stand on the sidelines of the class hierarchy and allow my reputation to slowly plummet to the depths of Tartarus? Why did I never try to display my skills and abilities to at least gain mediocre attention? I would have had a much easier time making friends and enjoying my time here, so once again, why?

Most "average" people have unique abilities or skills that they are good at. Some are good at specific subjects, some are good at specific sports, some have musical or artistic talents, and some have excellent analytical and communication skills.

To be human is to be unique, unequal, and different. In my foolish attempts at trying to be average, I did not consider the straightforward fact that someone average at everything is not normal at all. Chabashira-sensei clearly showed me how unnatural my definition of normal was. But then, I did not understand what normal meant in the first place.

Did I perhaps make a miscalculation? Trying to nurture this defective class full of potential hidden behind the obvious faults and restrictions imposed by their circumstances while attempting to have a peaceful life—was such a thing a delusion from the beginning? Did I, the masterpiece of the white room, lie to myself?

"Tch, did you hear me? Look at me when I am speaking!" Kushida's high-pitched voice, brimming with fury, brought me from the depths of my mind and made me face the current unfortunate situation that I had found myself in.

I sighed, 'This could have been avoided if I wasn't so curious. Why did you have to leave your phone behind Kushida... Uuh, I am doing it again, lying to myself. This situation was predetermined from the beginning, in fact, the day Kushida approached me and attempted to use me as her tool for getting close to Horikita, it was an inevitability, a predetermined outcome. One way or another Kushida Kikyo's facade would fall and I would be there to witness it.

"Yes, I heard you distinctly, Kushida. Your performance was rather Oscar-worthy if you ask me. I suppose emotions define our behaviors in very riveting ways, don't they?"

"Shut up. Your expressionless face, your monotone and pathetic voice, your way of speaking as if you are some kind of middle-aged noble—I fucking hate it, all of it. I despise gloomy guys like you".

Kushida's expression morphed through many emotions, but disgust and anger were the most apparent. If Ike, Hondou, or Yamauchi heard her words or even seen her expression right now, they would have probably entered a state of shock. Or maybe they would have believed that it was some kind of illusion or nightmare. After all, Kushida Kikyo, the Angel of Class D, cannot be whatever this abomination was.

"Who would have thought that our resident angel was a two-faced liar?" I purposefully mocked Kushida to further aggravate her foul mood. At least that was my intention; I did not know how mocking my tone would sound.

"You... You would not dare to speak about what you saw here today, would you, Ayanokouji?"

The question was as rhetorical as it could get. It seems I managed to anger Kushida even more, but there was also a flicker of something in her eyes – was it perhaps uncertainty? Kushida recognized neither my tone of speech nor my expression. Although it was unexpected, so I was not surprised by her reaction, after all, how could a gloomy and mostly quiet person like me suddenly sound so assertive and cold? The stuttering and slight shivering of her body could be explained by my aggressive demeanor and the way I held myself during the conversation.