I Guess I Can't Help It [Homestuck Fanfiction] DISCONTINUED

Chapter 1

     It's weird. Having acquaintances that are fish-people — that almost sounds offensive — that is. Not so much that they are weird — one of them is — but more so they work so different. Me and my friends try taking them out to places and they have zero idea what to do. It's as if they don't have parties or restaurants underwater. Okay, that sounds really stupid. They obviously don't. They have a completely different culture under there. 

     My name is Sollux Captor, and I have about 15 other friends — God I hate that word — all weirdos and idiots. But I still hang with them, because sometimes I have nothing better to do. The worst are the idiots who practically represent douche-bag. Everyone is different though, and some personalities clash greatly and some get along really well. I can't say getting along is my specialty. I just deal with them. I'm the computer geek, antisocial, lowlife — as certain people call me — with this stupid lisp and mismatched eyes. One is sort-of a maroon and the other is a dark blue. I always wear 3-D glasses and let my dark chocolate hair do it's thing — whatever the hell this is. I've got a bad slouch, thin features, and I'm pretty lanky. Not even I would consider myself attractive. And I don't really care, romance isn't my thing. Having a lover is the least of my worries.

     All the others aren't currently important, except the fish humans shit whatever the fuck you call them jegus. The two fish fuckers — what do you even i cant you know what whatever — are named Feferi Peixes and Eridan Ampora. Feferi is pretty nice, and I may or may not have dated her for a bit. It was weird, trust me — she didn't know how dates worked. Eridan, oh ED, is the douche-fin. He's an utter idiot, a hopeless romantic, and just an- fuck I already used idiot. He always has these stupid plans to rid of all of us land-walkers. They all fail, of course, but none-the-less, it's stupid. He doesn't spend much time with anyone at all, except Feferi. And even Feferi is pretty much sick of him. Stupid hipster fish. He's just really fucking stupid. I could rant on and on about how utterly stupid he is, but I would also probably end up repeating myself too much. He's just that pathetic.

     Anyway, moving on. I guess onto my current life.

     Honestly, I'm not doing shit right now. I'm just pestering Karkat — the one with that Vantass — and making a code to fuck up someone's computer. It's always fun. As I was typing, my stupid cat jumped up on my lap and strutted over my keyboard. "loo what the fuck are you doiing?" I swatted him off, but then Sis came up. Why do I have two cats, this is stupid. The red tabby, Loo, jumped back up onto my chair, and Sis, a russian blue — they're both males, despite the names — jumped onto the other side. I sighed and slouched down even more. "ugh you guy2 want your 2tupiid honey don't you..?" Both of the cats mewed in unison, as if answering the question. I ceased pestering Karkat, and put my laptop on the desk in front of me. I got out of my chair and stalked towards the kitchen, both Loo and Sis in quick pursuit. I regret the one day I gave them honey. I was just enjoying it myself, when the two pesky beasts jumped up onto my table and watched me with intent until I shoved honey at them to get them to go away. They of course lapped up the honey, and now they expect it from me everyday. It's probably hella bad for them, but I only give them a small amount and it keeps them out of my hair. I don't think I would mind them getting fat and unhealthy if it meant they would be less active and just lay around all day.

     As I set the small bowls on the ground with the small dollop of honey in each, I heard a knock on my door. I stopped for a minute and made a face at the air. I groaned to myself and trudged to the door. I swung the door open, and oh you have got to be kidding me. Those stupid kids doing their stupid ding-dong ditching. I went ahead and shut my door and walked out to go grab my mail. When I finally got to the mailboxes, I opened up mine and flipped through the envelopes. I shoved some of the mail that wasn't mine into the rightful mailbox and threw away the spam and junk, taking the important with me on my trek back upstairs. I barely made it across the lobby when my phone rang. I pulled it out from the band of my pajama pants and looked at the caller ID. Okay honestly? I was just pestering you not 10 minutes ago. I answered Karkat anyway, and prepared for the ear-shattering volume, continuing up the stairs.