Hell's Coming with Me

Season Three: You're the Indian Now

A/N:Sorry for the long wait. I'm back! Hopefully. Apparently now I have asthma and its been really hard for me to breathe recently. I've also been bummed out that Yellowstone is drawing to an end. 

You're the Indian Now

The months following Tate and my abduction were difficult on the entire family. Especially for Kayce, Monica, and Ryan. They were most affected by the interrupted nights when one of us would wake up screaming, inevitably. I knew from the first months following my college assault that the trauma wouldn't be buried. Trauma wasn't something that could ever fully go away. But you can heal from the worst and reintegrate into society once more.

I knew once Tate's hair grew a little more, it wouldn't be so obvious to him. Right now it was just fuzz on the top of his head. Every time Tate looked into the mirror he was reminded of those men and transported back to that house. I told Monica and Kayce everything that I had witnessed happening to Tate. I could only hope that this information would assist in their healing process, as a family unit.

Kayce humored Monica's idea to take Tate to a counselor for help. Daddy offered to pay for me to go visit one as well. I declined that offer, since I knew what going to a counselor would entail. I had spent a few months talking over my assault with a therapist after it had happened. Talking with the therapist didn't really work – they only wanted to medicate.

Monica found out about the pill mill at the therapist's office after the first visit. As soon as she mentioned that Tate was unable to sleep through the night due to nightmares, they prescribed him sleeping medication. Monica refused to drug her child just for a peaceful night of sleep. Instead she spoke with the Indian elders at Broken Rock. They did a cleansing of Tate, which also didn't help.

When I first came home, I was a wreck. I had panic attacks. I was jumpy, refused to leave someone's side for a while. I also couldn't sleep, always thinking that a noise outside was something dangerous. I barely ate, my stomach so twisted from panic or anxiety.

I felt reminded of how I acted after Colton and his crew at college. How I became a shell of a woman after that assault. But something was different this time – I had Ryan and our child. I needed to be healthy for them. The stress wasn't good for the baby and I had to eat to maintain their growth. If I stopped being human, I could potentially kill the human being I was currently in charge of growing. That was a huge thought to handle.

Additionally, things were different this time. Those men were dead. All of them were dead. This meant that they couldn't harm me. Unlike Colton and the rest of his friends – who were all being arrested and brought up on charges. These men were rotting in the ground, unable to come back to harm either of us. Plus, Kayce told me that the Beck brothers were also dead. They couldn't come back and retaliate against the family any longer. They couldn't cause any further damage.

In order to facilitate my own healing, I did what I knew best. I spent time with the horses. I busied myself in working with the horses so that I couldn't think about the Beck brothers and those militia men. I just spent as much time as possible outside, with my family. Talked with the Wranglers.

Of course, it was winter in Montana. Sometimes it was more difficult than others to go outside, but if that happened, I spent time with the Wranglers at the bunkhouse. They were always happy to have company, even if it included my dog.

It was in January that I laughed for the first time since the kidnapping. Ryan and I had been out in the barn, watering, feeding, and settling the horses, when we were caught in a huge snowstorm. I looked out of the barn doors to see white snowflakes starting to fall faster and faster, until we lost all visibility.