lilliana
It's been two months since Matthew left. We've been texting a lot, but he's been busy in Minnesota. I would say I've been ignoring Luke, but considering he's the only thing I think about lately, it doesn't feel right. Just like it doesn't feel right to say we're enemies. But it doesn't feel right to say friends, either.
Thanksgiving break just ended, and hockey season is in full swing along with football season. If I'm not at a game or in class, I'm studying. I've been busier than ever, but it's so much fun.
Break gave me some time to reset and relax from the constant go of everything. But now that I'm back, I'm ready for everything to start back up again.
I walk around campus, taking in the late November golden hour - probably one of my favorite times of the year here. It'll get really cold really fast soon and I want to take up the last bits of warmth.
I'm wearing a Umich hockey hoodie and sweatpants. This would've been a headphones walk, but I love the sound of the leaves crunching beneath my feet.
"Lily?" That voice from behind me sounds familiar, but not familiar enough that I talk to them on a regular basis.
I turn around to be met with Quinn and Jack Hughes. "What are you guys doing here?" We slowly drifted after the Cruel Sumner, and they have no clue why.
"Dropping Luke off after break, just wanted to walk around a bit. How have you been?" Quinn asks.
"Good, yeah, everything's been good. What about you guys?" I state putting my hands in my pockets.
"Good, not ready for the Vancouver winter yet, but you know." He shrugs his shoulders. "I love it there."
"Everything's been good," Jack says. "Maybe you and Luke could come visit together for Christmas break."
"I don't know, Jack, maybe that's not the best idea." Quinn says. Thanks, Quinn. Wait.. Quinn has to know.
"Why not?" Clueless Jack.
"Luke and I haven't really been on the best terms in a while, actually." I admit.
"Oh." Jack says. "But that doesn't make any sense because-"
"It was nice talking to you, Lily, but we better get going." Quinn says pulling his brother's arm. They both know something I don't know.
As I continue my walk, I get a phone call from my mother. I almost press decline, but I answered.
"Hello?" My family and I.. don't really have the best relationship. They wanted me to stay go to college in Canada, but I had my heart set on Umich and they hated me for that.
So they moved back to Canada after my junior year in high school - that's when I got the early acceptance letter - and left me in Michigan. My father never called me anymore, and I'm an only child.
"Lilliana, how are you?" Times like these are when she tries to play the nice card. Usually, she needs something from me.
"What do you need?" I ask already over this entire conversation. I don't deserve to get treated like shit by the person who gave birth to me.
"I need more drugs." She states. Both of my parents are addicts, sometimes she'll call for the money or other times she'll call for the actual drugs.
"No, I'm not giving you money or drugs." I state. I only ever have her money once and I never did again.
"Fuck you, bitch." When I say no, the nice card goes away and she calls me a bunch of slurs. But what I was not ready for was what she says this time.
"You're a worthless slut, you know that? You ever wonder why we left you in Michigan? It's because we don't want you. No one will ever want you. And I know you're stupid, but I thought you would know that no one will ever love you." She says sharply. Each word becoming a dagger to my body.
"Shut up." I say, it barely comes out as a whisper.
"We never wanted you. I wish I would've abandoned you long before we actually did because I hate you. You are the worst daughter I could've ever asked for." She says.
"Shut up."
"And those Hughes boys? They don't want you. They don't care about you. They pity you. You know what that means? They feel bad for you. That's the only reason they hung out with you in the first place."
"Shut up." I say louder this time.
"Luke, yeah, he never actually liked you. He only dated you because he was bored. That's why he kept you a secret. You were too fat and ugly for him. And you knew that. You know he can do so much better than you."
"Shut up!" I hang up. I can't her anymore. I can't this anymore. I walk - more of a run - back to my dorm. I can barely see straight because my eyes are about to overflow with tears.
My dorm door opens without my key - or at least I thought it was my dorm. Because now I'm presented with Luke sitting on the edge of his bed.
"I- I'm sorry. I thought-" Is all I can scramble out before the tears overflow like a waterfall.
"Are you okay?" He walks over to me and hugs me. I lose myself in that familiar sent. I lose myself in his touch.
He slowly brings me to the floor. I sit curled up in between his legs, both of my arms wrapped around him. His arms are securely wrapped around me.
"My mom- she said all these things-" I say into his chest as my sobs only make it harder to breathe and speak.
"Let it out, Lils. Just breathe, okay?" The nickname. Only he ever called me that and after the Cruel Summer, he never called me that again.
"She doesn't deserve to have you in her life. You are so much more than what she tells you. You are beautiful and smart and I'm sorry she ever convinced you to think otherwise." He says quietly.
But you also convinced me to this otherwise. Is what I want to say.
"This doesn't change anything, okay? Still hate me." I say.
"Okay." Is all he says.
author's note:
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW GOOD OLIVIA RODRIGO'S NEW SONG IS?!?! THE VOCALS DIDNT COME TO PLAY
BRO SAID TAKE FIVE SHE HEARD CHANGE LIVES
