Elastic Heart // Charles Leclerc

XIII

The food came not much later. I tried to tell him again and again that everything was okay, but when I look it to his eyes, his eyes told me something else. And I didn't know what else to do. So, the rest of the time we were in the restaurant I looked down at my plate with food and quietly try to eat it, even though my appetite was gone.

I paid for the food after a lot of arguing between us. I don't really know what to say anymore as we walk out of the small restaurant. We got back on the scooter and instead of putting my arms around his waist, I put them on my lap for the ride back to the hotel.

Maybe this impulsive 'vacation' was a mistake. What did I expect? that everything would be like in the movies. Where two people meet and fall in love, were nothing happens to them, and they live happily ever after. Maybe I read too many books and is my expectation to high.

Maybe it's because I've never experienced this, were someone 'cared' about me, was standing up for me when someone else was treating me like shit. Because no one has ever done that. It's always been me, me who must stand up for themselves, not that I ever do. Because I always chicken out when things get too messy. Because I'm always afraid that people get even angrier at me.

And with people I mean Grey and my father, because let's face it, those are the only people I normally talk to. And maybe it's my biggest fear that eventually Charles will see me the way I see myself or what everyone makes me believe I am, nothing, a nobody.

So maybe it's because of the trust issues I have, that I can't let anyone in so easily. I mean the one person who should have been by my side from the start is the one who hurt me the most. There is nothing more painful than listening to your own father telling you that you are nothing. Pointless. That he is disappointed in you. When all you do is trying to survive every day and trying to be a better person, for them. To make him proud of you.

But I can never do that, and I learned that at a young age. My father wasn't like these dads in story's or in the movies. Those dads loved their kids. My father didn't love me and still doesn't. and I know why, it's because I'm a girl. It's because I wasn't born as a boy and my dad couldn't do with me what he wanted to do if he had a son.

But he could. I tried to do everything that man dreamed about. I got into karting, even though I don't even like it, I did it for him. And you would think that now that I am in formula one, he would be so proud of me. That he would show me that even though I wasn't what he wanted in the beginning, I am what he wants now.

But I am not. And even though of all the hurting words, all the bruises I got. I'm still at his side. I never told anyone what that man did to me, because somewhere in my mind I can't think about what it would be like if I lose him. What I would do with my life if my father wasn't there. I would be all alone. I'm alone now too but in a different way. He is still there, watching from around a corner, I can always feel his eyes on me, judging me from afar.

But in my experience, fathers cause pain. Whether by their presence or their absence, there's a certain type of ruin that only a father can do, can leave behind.

I don't wonder why I have trust issues; I know why. I know exactly why I have a hard time letting people in. the people I trusted, and I mean really trusted, hurt me. The kind of hurt that leaves a lump in your throat every time you think about it. And at the end when someone promise you they won't hurt you, promise is just a word.

And I can't trust anyone anymore because of that, why? Because the one person I was supposed to trust, turned on me. The one person I thought would never hurt me, hurt me. And I feel bad for even thinking it, but sometimes I just wish he had left, that I didn't have a father.

And if I think about Charles, somewhere in my heart I know he would never hurt me the way that my father has. He would probably never lay a finger on me; he would never hurt me with words.

I just wished that I was healed enough before I met him. So, he could see the best version of me and not the broken, messed up version.

And as Charles stopped the scooter Infront of the hotel and we get off. I look at him. Guilt spreading through my body as I look into his eyes. I close my eyes thinking back to a quote I read a few days ago, and I didn't know what to think of it, but standing here Infront of him, seeing him so vulnerable Infront of me, I think it's true.

Isn't it fascinating that the way we view love can change because of the actions of just one person, for better or for worse. One person can hurt you so much that you never want to love again, one person can treat your heart so poorly that you decide its easier to not feel love at all. One person can destroy too much. The thing is, one person does not define your worth, one person does not define how you deserve to be treated or loved, one person does not define how you love others. One person does not get to hold this much power over your heart, one person does not get to hold this much power over your future. Please keep your heart open for the one person that's going to love you Softly, Deeply, Passionately, Patiently, Kindly. Please keep your heart open for the one person who has the potential to change it all.

''I am so sorry'' I say, standing Infront of him, not really know what else to say. Sorry is the only word I can come up with. Because this man Infront of me did nothing wrong. My own stupid feelings did. And I don't know how to turn it off, not right away.

But I will try, I will try just for him. To be myself again and not to let the fear I feel overtake me. To be the person he needs. I put my hand on his cheek, he closes his eyes and leans into my hand.

I don't get it, how can a person you just met, already mean so much to you. Even though we don't much about each other, it feels like I've known him forever, just like in the movies.

And without thinking about it I lean forward, him still with his eyes closed. I place my lips on his.