Elastic Heart // Charles Leclerc

XXVI

''Charles'' I whisper. I look down at the floor where my towel is lying across my feet. I don't dare to look him in the eyes. I see his feet take a step closer to me. His hand goes up from his hip to my face. And when I though he would be gentle, I was wrong.

his hand clasps my jaw. he pushes my head up and makes me look him straight in the eyes. I quickly look away again, but when I try to turn my head, he makes sure my head stays in the position he wants. I look the other way with my eyes. The dominant behavior he is showing now quietly turns me on.

"Look at me" he says in a low voice. I'm thinking about continuing to look at the wall, to see what he would do. to see how far he would go. but when his grip on my jaw tightens, I quickly change my mind. I don't think it's a good idea to be seen with a bruise tomorrow.

I squeeze my eyes shut, just for a second, and open my eyes again when I've turned my eyes to look back at him. I hate that I feel so vulnerable right now that his touch makes me feel like this.

This is not why he is here now. thirty minutes ago, I was still angry with him. I can't pretend that when he just touches me everything will be fine again. I place my hand on his hand that is still holding my jawline. I push his hand away and bend down to grab my towel.

I wrap the towel around my body and walk back to the bathroom where I left my clothes. I have a lot of different emotions going through my body right now. It's not that we've never had sex, but this felt different. I'm sure this was to try to forget what had happened before.

I am also sure that if we don't talk it out now, it will never happen, and we will pretend that the whole situation never happened.

I get dressed and put my hair in a bun. I walk back into the room. I see Charles sitting on the bed with his elbows on his legs and his head in his hands. I stop walking and lean against the wall, I don't really know what to do now, do I start talking? I tell him I hate that he ignored me for the past few days instead of talking to me about what was bothering him?

I don't want to start an argument; I just want our communication to get better. I want us to get a communication as people who are in a relationship, not a communication as people who only like each other and visit each other when it suits them, because that's what it comes down to now.

The sex is good, don't get me wrong. But it cannot be the case that we use sex to make up for our differences.

"Charles" I say softly. He rubs his hands over his face and calmly looks up at me. ''We need to talk about this''

He lets out a sigh. "I know, I shouldn't have done that," he says, pushing himself off the bed. I stay where I am and wait for him to say the first word or sentence or whatever. But he remains silent. He looks at me and it seems like he wants to say everything with that. I look at him questioningly, still can't read minds here.

''Charles, to talk this out, we have to talk to each other." I let out a sigh. I push myself off the wall and stand with my back against it. I carefully slide myself down until I'm on the floor.

"I know, I already told you I'm sorry. What more do you want from me?" he says. He sounds annoyed that I ask. But what does he want. that everything will be alright just by saying sorry?

''Fine. You're not going to tell me why you ignored me all weekend and I'm not going to tell you what happened to me. good relationship this is." I say back irritated. I push myself up off the ground to stand again. "If we're not going to talk about it, you might as well go." I say and point to the door.

''Fine. I mean, why should I tell you everything if you don't tell me everything."

"How did you get to that again; I'll tell you everything." I lie. Except for whom I am and what my father does, I tell him everything.

He lets out a laugh. I look at him confused. "You never told me you are being beaten by your own father." I look away from him. all I wanted to achieve with this was for him to tell me why he had ignored me all weekend but could talk to Lando. It's not that I suddenly want to talk about my own life or feelings.

"That was a one-time thing." I speak.

"There you go again with your lying. You can't tell me that all those other times you were covered in bruises that it wasn't because of your father'' he says a bit louder this time.

Somehow, I knew he knew my father was abusing me. But I find it hard to tell him it's right. That what he says is true. because when I do, it's real. I'm not stupid, I also know it's real. And that Lando kind of knows, but I never told him it's true either. And if I tell Charles now. That's it, there's one person next to me who knows. And I'm afraid Charles will go to my father and say something about it. I'm not afraid my father would hurt Charles; I don't see him wanting to involve another person. But I am afraid of what he will do to me at that moment.

"I can't talk to you about this."

''How so? because you're afraid he'll hurt me?'' He mocks me. I can't lie and say the way he says it doesn't hurt, but I get him too.

"No, because I know he won't hurt you. But I'm afraid of what he's going to do to me." And maybe I've already said too much, and I should shut up. But for the first time in a long time, I feel tears come to my eyes. It's the first time I get emotional about this while talking to someone about it and I don't know how to handle it.

his facial expression changes and he takes a step forward. I'm taking a step back. not because I'm afraid of him, but because now I don't know how I'm going to react to this conversation myself. Maybe I should just tell him, maybe it will take away the feeling of being alone.

And just thinking about it, I can't hold back the tears as they fall down my cheeks.

I look angrily at the ground, angry because I show that I care what my father does to me. I've spent years trying to keep it a secret, years of fighting to be strong enough so I couldn't show anyone that behind the smile I show there is actually a cry for help.

''I won't hurt you'' He whispers.

''I know'' I say, looking back up at him with a tear steamed face.

"You don't have to be afraid that he will hit you again, I will protect you." He says taking a step closer to me again.

''But you can't, even now that you know that my father abuses me, you can't do anything about it.'' I speak.

He says nothing back. He takes another step toward me, to the point where we almost touch. And without saying anything he puts his arms around me and pulls me against him. And that's when I really break down.

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Sorry for not posting much this week, had to work a lot .

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-H