Elastic Heart // Charles Leclerc

XXIV

I'm not sure anymore, I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy. I can laugh at jokes and smile in the day. But when it comes to the evening. My thoughts are dark, depressing, far from happy.

I have a big heart and sometimes I hate it. I overthink, I over apologies and I over forgive. I care to much about people who don't really care about me. I feel quality about things that I don't have any control over. And I try to save everyone around me before I even think about saving myself. I love to deep, and I feel alone sometimes, because I'm not sure I'll ever find someone else who thinks like me or who feels like me or who views the world like me. I'm not conceded by any means because I'm not perfect, but I do have a big heart and sometimes, I hate it.

I wish he understands that I hate me too. I hate what I said, I hate what I did to my father. I'd give anything to not be me, but I can't. but I'm trying, trying so hard to be what he wants me to be. And still, I'm not enough. I don't think if I ever in the far future would become a World Champion, he would care. I don't think he would even be there.

And I accepted it. I accepted it that my parents don't really care about me or what I do in life. Because let's face it my mother hasn't really been around either. And it's fine, it's been this way my whole life. What I don't get is why it's hurting so much right now. Why I want to talk about it now.

Somewhere in my mind I was glad that Lando found out about my father. I know I can talk to him about it and that he will listen to me. But somewhere I'm afraid, that if I finally talk about all the abuse all the things, it will be real. Now when it's all happening, I can put it in a bubble and put it far away in my mind where no one can see it. Where no one can see how much it hurts.

''My question is if you want to sit in my garage instead of Charlie's during the Monaco race''

I was taken aback by his questions. I knew that this sort of question would come at some point now that we are in a relationship, I just didn't think that it would be this soon. I don't have an answer to it, I should have thought about this earlier. I can also just tell him that it's not a good idea because people will find out who I am and that I don't want that.

It's not weird to say that, is it? Sure, people know I'm the niece of, but there aren't many questions about that, because that's family. But when I'm in Charles's garage, other questions will be asked, questions that will cause more trouble than we will enjoy.

''I can't'' I whisper. And the nervous look he had on his face turned into one of sadness. But he quickly covers it up with a small smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

'' I'm sorry. I owe you an apology''

''You don't have to apologize, I get it.'' He speaks.

''I do, and you don't'' I say taking his hand in mine. "It is that people know about me because I am the niece of. And I can handle that, not much is asked and not much is talked about me. But if I go to your garage, questions would be asked, and people would talk. I don't know if I can handle it'' I say.

"I like how our relationship is going now. I like that nobody knows about us. I like that we can just be ourselves without people watching."

"Earth to Charlie" I blink and look out the passenger side window. I see that we have arrived at the hotel and that Lando has parked the car in front of the hotel.

"Are you sure you want to be alone right now?" He asks looking over at me.

Do I have a choice? I was thinking about asking Lando to drop me off at Charles' apartment. But Charles didn't talk to me for most of the weekend. And I don't know if I should burden him with my problems when he already has his own.

Not that my problems aren't important. And isn't it when you're in a relationship that you tell each other everything and that you're there for each other even in bad times?

''I will be fine'' I say as I look at him. I don't know if I'm trying to convince him or myself. Cause I'm pretty sure when I walk to my room and I'm finally alone where no one can see or hear me I'll break.

"I can walk with you, no problem. If you prefer Charles to be with you, I can call him too, I know he hasn't talked to you this week-" I interrupt his sentence. I raise my eyebrow. "What do you mean you know Charles hasn't talked to me all weekend?"

he starts talking but sounds nervous. So, Charles talks to Lando about me but not to me, even when I tried to talk to him, he walked the other way. I get the feeling that he's not only mad because I said no to his suggestion to check his garage, but also about something else.

"It's not my place to say anything about it" he says and turns back so that he is now looking out the front window.

"What do you mean not your place, you bring it up yourself. You can't bring up something and then not tell me what's going on." I say a little to loud. my breathing is irregular. There's too much going on today and I just want the day to be over.

"He feels guilty about how he mistreated you over the weekend." He speaks. It feels like my head is too full of information now. I say nothing and nod my head. I open the car door and get out. "Charlie, please." I ignore him and slam the door.

I remember saying a while back that I would like it if I could be friends with the other drivers. Now that I'm kind of friends with one of them, I'm not so sure anymore. Some things are a little too complicated for me at the moment.

And as soon as I step into the elevator tears start to fall down my cheeks. I feel so stupid that I can't even hold myself up until I get to my hotel room.

It seems like the elevator takes forever. The stupid tune that plays doesn't help either. and when I finally get to the floor where my hotel room is. I didn't think I'd see him sitting on the floor by my door.

I walk towards him and stop walking when I'm in front of him. His eyes look from my feet up to my face. And in that moment, all the anger I feel for him goes away. I see the tears running down his cheeks and I can't help but my tears only come harder from my eyes.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you"

—
Sorry for the short Chapter.
I'm also writing a new book with Lando. Let me know if you guys will be interested, then I will post the description at the end of next chapter.

-H