Elastic Heart // Charles Leclerc

XXV

'' I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you'' Charles says. He looks away from my eyes and wipes his forearm across his face to wipe away the tears. I want to sit next to him and give him a hug. tell him it's okay that he wasn't there, that I don't blame him. I understand why he ignored me for the whole weekend.

But instead of doing that, I remain frozen in front of him. Like I'm someone who doesn't know how to take care of someone with their emotions. It's not that I don't know how to take care of someone, it's just that I don't know how to handle someone's emotions, I already don't know how to handle my own emotions and I find that annoying enough.

And maybe it's because I'm still a little agitated with him, but without saying anything I walk past him and open my door with my card and walk in. I leave the door open and let him decide if he wants to come in or not. I really want to talk this over with him, don't get me wrong. But why should I make it easy for him just because he says sorry while crying.

Even I find myself sounding unfriendly now, looking like someone with no  feelings. like we're not even in a relationship. But I don't feel like I'm in a relationship with him right now either. He ignores me when I say no to something, instead of talking about it with me. He doesn't talk about his feelings to me either, so why should I have to talk about my feelings to him?

After a few minutes I start to doubt if he's even coming in if he's still in the hallway at all and hasn't gone back home.

I let a sigh escape my lips and pick up my suitcase from the floor. I place it on my bed and open my suitcase. I rummage through my clothes that are in it and grab a pair of jogging pants and a sweater. I walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower faucet. Within a few seconds the bathroom is steaming from the hot water. I take off my clothes and put them on the sink. I turn and open the shower door, letting more steam escape. I step under the warm water; I immediately feel the muscles in my body relax.

It feels like, everything that happens today is distracting from my body. Of course, you will continue to see the bruise for a while. But for the next few minutes I don't have to think about that.

Who I do suddenly think of is Lando. Maybe I should call him later and apologize. I shouldn't be mad at him, I understand he didn't say anything to me about Charles, he's his friend too. Even though I feel like Lando didn't tell me everything Charles said to him either, same as I feel like Charles ignored me not only because I didn't want to sit in his garage to watch the race but that there was also another reason to ignore me.

I'm starting to get a headache, not just thinking about what I'm doing now. But also because of the hassle with my father. Would it be weird to say to my own father that I don't want him coming to my racing anymore. I don't think he will listen to me and probably laugh at me the moment I ask. But it's worth a try anyway, right?

''Are you okay kiddo?'' Dimitri asks as he sits down next to me on the grass in their garden.

''I'm okay, thank you'' I say to him. We still have a few hours before our flight to Monaco, at least our flight to Nice leaves. As soon as we got back to Georgia's and Dimitri's, Charles went straight upstairs to our room. I think to pack his things, which I still need to do, but don't feel like doing yet.

I myself walked to the kitchen to enter the garden through the back door. They have a beautiful garden with a dozen of different flowers and colors. It looks like I'm looking at a picture of a large colored tulip garden, only with different flowers. I can get lost in my mind if I stare too long.

But before I could drown in my own thoughts, Dimitri's voice brought me back to the inhabited world.

''Eventually it will all get easier. You just have to be patient" he says. I keep looking at the flowers, afraid that if I look at him my emotions will get the better of me.