What Drives You Is Pain

Chapter 3

I've been writing in this notebook for about a week now, but I can not see how, in any way, will this help me.

Lauren makes me talk about the accident. She doesn't understand how much lust I have for death. She thinks that she can save me, bring me into the light. I know that she can't and I don't think anyone can. All I want in this world is to feel peace that settled over me when I was in the process of dying. Anyone that would hear that would say that's horrible, of course.

I guess some would call me suicidal. What does it mean to be suicidal, any way? In my eyes it's just another stereotype, just another group to put people in to make them feel even worst about themselves.

I wouldn't say I'm suicidal. No, I would just say I have certain lust, or wanting of death. I don't run away from my problems. I just try to find peace that's all I've ever wanted. With death comes peace. Every morning I ask myself 'Is today a good day to die?' in other words 'would I make it down to the cliff and jump, today?'

I have dreams about when I was dying but in my dreams I can never really feel the peace. I can never feel that peace until I die and I want and need that peace. I need to be at peace.

I really don't know why I even keep writing in the journal. I just keep writing, even though I suspect that Lauren will get her hands on it someday and read it. Maybe I won't be there for her to talk about it with me. Maybe I just don't care.

Even though I don't feel like going to therapy today, I get up and get dressed. Then I go down stairs and skip breakfast completely because I don't feel like eating.

I rush to my bike and pedal as fast as I can until I feel like I'm flying. What better way to die.

Eugene Matthews
Age:17
Death from bike accident

When I got close to the therapy building I began to slow down. I skidded to a stop so I could put my bike in the rack.

I walked in the automatic door and sat on the plush seat in the waiting room. I had my notebook clutched to my chest as if it was my life line. After all here was far to much important information in this notebook for anyone to be peeking at it.

Lauren came out before I could even get in my usual hunched down position. "Come on, Eugene."

I shot up on my feet within a matter of seconds but then tripped and fell on the the tiled floor. Before I could even get a bit pink I heard a raspy voice say "Oh, I'm so sorry for tripping you."

"But you did-" I began to say before I was caught off guard by the man,(who first spoke) because he was helping me up and hugging me. The old man whispered in my ear "Just roll with it." very softly so only I could hear it.

"Thank, you sir." I whispered back.
Lauren ushered me into the hall way before I could say another word to the man.

She pushed me into her office and grabbed a muffin off her desk and handed it to me."Chocolate chip." Lauren said when she saw my questioning glance. Then she handed me a cup of milk."Whole." She then said.

This was Lauren's breakfast but she must have been to nerves to eat it if she handed it to me. Lauren loves her food.

I didn't really know how hungry I was until I took the first bite of the huge muffin. I took a small sip of the milk as I tried to savor the creamy deliciousness. "Eugene, we are going to have a special guest accompany us during this therapy session.

I started to choke on my muffin and before long I was coughing a storm. "What?" I asked in complete disgust with her. This is typical of Lauren trying to help me when she only pushing me deeper and deeper into depression.

"Please, Eugene, not now." Lauren began. She opened the door and stuck her head out as if to see if this 'special visitor' was here yet. "Oh, good there he is."

I decided to finish off my milk as the 'special visitor' walked in Lauren's office. Lets just say when I saw him walk in he was right in my lane of fire.

"EUGENE!" Lauren shrieked. She began to panic as she tried to clean the milk off his shirt.

"Ummm........ It's fine ma'am. I'm here for your patient not the shirt." said the special visitor.

"Oh I really am sorry, Ryan."I said his name in a mock politeness and pure venom.

"Eugene, be nic- wait you know each other?"Lauren said.

I whipped around so I could give Lauren a 'are you crazy' look. "Yes, actually. I thought he was a nice guy until I just realized that he's only one of you minions." I finally asked.

"I'm actually not her minion. Plus you shouldn't worry about me bothering you." Ryan said. "I'm the reason your even in therapy and not dead." This struck a nerve with me.

I whipped around so I was facing Ryan."Well, Pretty Boy, I wish you would have left me to die I was happier there." I said. This made Ryan speechless and he had this weird look on his face that I've seen a million times.

"EUGENE! You don't mean that." Lauren said/screamed.

"NO! I DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP ME BUT ALL I WANT IS TO DIE AND FEEL THE PEACE I WANT AND NEED!" I rushed out of the office but not before I bumps into Ryan with my shoulder.
By the time I made it down the hallway I was bawling.

One word that could mean so much to me, but so little to others popped into my head.

CLIFFS

Specifically the cliffs that I fell off of and almost died because of it.I was going to those cliffs and getting what I deserved,

DEATH!

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A/N

I would like to give recognition and thanks to my dear friend, Hayley, for editing my chapters.

As always so feedback is appreciated
Thanks.

~❤