Destruction ━ Bucky Barnes [2]

v. THE BEFORE

DESTRUCTION.
( the before. )

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❛ you have my heart, in
this life and the next. ❜

Edited 12/26/2015 @5:23 PM
Edited 07/08/2016 @3:33 AM
Edited 12/01/2017 @1:04 AM
Edited 05/13/2022 @6:03 AM
Edited 02/25/2025 @12:34 AM

  Andrea stared at the cup of coffee in her hands, unaware of what to think or even feel as the moments passed. She often wondered how it had come to this; staring blankly at inanimate objects and avoiding calls from her friends.

To put it simply, she couldn't stand the thought of being around everyone and pretending everything was okay— that she was okay.

  The truth was that Andrea was a mess. After everything that had happened, how could she not be? Her nights were plagued with constant nightmares while her days were plagued with thoughts of him.

The Jones woman hadn't seen Bucky since their fight on the heli-carrier. The day both S.H.I.E.L.D and HYDRA fell. The day he saved her.

  To say that Andrea's life had changed since then would be an understatement. With the world now discovering who she really was, Andrea was facing condemnation in both the media and her day-to-day life. As if they can make me hate myself anymore than I already do, she thought to herself.

A bitter smile twisted on her lips as she recalled all the articles and comments. The endless criticism of S.H.I.E.L.D. for giving a formerly-brainwashed HYDRA agent the status of an Avenger. Those journalists hadn't been wrong in declaring her a monster for all the things she'd done.

But, Andy had already figured that out long before they could brand her with the title.

  However, the one thing she couldn't understand was why everyone wanted her to apologize. To say she was sorry for who she'd been forced to become. It felt wrong. The world had never apologized for making her this way.

Nobody had been there to rub her back each and every time her memory was wiped. Nobody was there to soothe her cries of pain while she was being tortured and experimented on. No one had apologized to her.

  So, why should she try to comfort anyone for the things she'd been forced to do? It wasn't as if she asked to be made into a weapon. It wasn't as if she wanted to become a puppet— something less than human. A monster.

Andrea had never wanted any of it.

  The brunette took a deep breath and closed her eyes, feeling her grip tighten on the cup. It was moments like this— when her heart felt like it was going to implode with her anger and agony— that she felt at her weakest. Andy could hardly bear the weight of it.

  How could she find the will to continue being who she was? After all the blood that had been spilled at her hands? How could she live with herself, knowing that her new life had come at the expense of others?

Sanity and sense seemed to swing on a pendulum of confusion. Andrea wasn't sure if the world's judgement left her detached, or if it was breaking her apart entirely. It was a precarious situation. The only silver lining seemed to be the endless support of her friends— and Bucky.

It always seemed to come back to Bucky.

  It tormented her to know what he was going through. With her own memories resurfacing, Andrea knew firsthand what it was like to wake up, drenched in sweat and screaming. To feel sick to your stomach with memory.

What made it worse were the nights when she missed her blind eyes. The days of knowing something was missing, yet having S.H.I.E.L.D. as her anchor. When she knew nothing of Steve, or a life before her false one.

Andy always felt guilty afterwards. It wasn't the past she missed, it was the peace. A part of her would never be whole again without her friends. It was why she knew she had to stay sane. So, when the time came, she could be there for Bucky.

In the same way that Steve had been there for her. 

  Andy looked up from her cup, the stillness of her apartment broken by the ringing house-phone. She might have been surprised, if it weren't for the fact that Steve always called in the evening. In fact, he called every morning, too.

Andy rose from her seat. Upon reaching the phone, she paused. Her brow furrowed at the unknown number lighting up the screen. She quickly hit decline, figuring it was a call to the wrong number. Or another angry citizen who had once again managed to find her contact information.

  However, before the Jones woman could connect the phone back to its base, it began ringing once more. Andy hesitated this time, debating whether or not she should answer. She was suspicious now, and painstakingly aware of the possibility that HYDRA would try to contact her. The thought alone was jarring.

  As the moments passed and the ringing continued, the decision came quickly. Whoever it was, she refused to give them the satisfaction of her fear. Hitting accept, she answered the phone, lifting it to her ear and feeling her heartbeat quicken with the choice. 

  "Hello?" Andy answered, trying to keep her voice steady and casual. Though, she could hear the slight quiver to her words— and she hated herself for it. Why fear something that could no longer hurt her?

Except that wasn't true.

The Jones woman tried to still her heart. In the silence, seconds turned to minutes. Her patience was already on a short enough leash and she didn't feel like reining it in. Temper flaring, Andy found herself opening her mouth to curse at the caller.

  Then, a voice spoke, and all her anger seemed to dissipate.

"Andy?" It was spoken quietly, with a voice rough from lack of use.

  Andy inhaled sharply, holding the breath tightly against her lungs. She felt herself tremble with recognition. A pain that ricocheted through her, accompanied by blissful relief. She would know that voice anywhere.

  "Bucky?" Andy could hear the hesitancy in her voice. As if she didn't want to believe it was really him— and maybe there was a part of her that didn't.

Since the day she'd woken from that fight on the heli-carrier, Andy had tried so hard to build up walls around herself. A necessary precaution to keep the pain at bay. The knowledge of how thoroughly she had failed him haunted her.

  But, as the dial tone sounded, Andy found that she was reduced to something small and unbearably vulnerable.

  In that moment, everything she'd been trying so hard to hold back seemed to tear right through her. Her eyes stung with freshly-formed tears as the ache in her chest intensified. Falling to her knees, she wrapped her arms around herself, choking back sobs.

  For as much as Andy wanted to be strong, it seemed that she couldn't even manage that.

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