Hidden Feelings

Chapter 3: Decisions

"There's only two options at this point. You need to either tell them how you feel or bottle up your feelings and hope they never notice," said Neo.

These words echoed in First's mind throughout the rest of the trip. Every moment he spent with Khao made him terrified that the other could detect his hidden feelings. Whenever Khao reached a hand out to shuffle his fingers through First's hair or accidentally brushed his arm, First would jolt in surprise. He would also steal multiple glances at Khao but would immediately turn away the moment they made eye contact. Despite being the talented and well-respected actor that he is, it's harder to hide your emotions in real life versus performing for the cameras.

Before he realized, it had been over a month since the GMMTV Outing. Even though they are on-screen partners for a few recent and upcoming dramas, First and Khao are busy individuals who live separate lives outside of each other so they weren't able to hang out as often after the company event. Sure, they talked every now and then on the phone but they couldn't spend every second of their lifetimes together. While the time they spent together had been inconsistent lately, First's feelings continued to grow stronger. With every new text or call from Khao, First felt like he would die from excitement. During their time apart, he continued to think about his years of friendship with Khao and realized just how much he filled his mind and memories. He almost felt like a fool because he hadn't realized his true feelings for him sooner.

One day, First hears a ring chime coming from his cellphone. When he pulls out the device to view his notifications, he finds a message from Khao, "Hey First, it's been a while. Wanna hang out at my place tonight?" Even though some time had passed since he realized his feelings, First still didn't know how he would react to being alone with his recently discovered crush. He was terrified but knew that he would need to spend time with him again consistently, so he agreed. Maybe this would help him get used to feeling calm around Khao again, is what he thought.

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First's heart was racing a million miles the moment he walked up to Khao's apartment door. Before he could even go up to knock, he heard a familiar voice ask, "First?" Turning around to locate who the voice belonged to, he met eyes with a smaller figure; it was Khao. He was dressed in a black, oversized long-sleeved shirt and white shorts that were just above his knees, revealing his infamous tattoo. His hair was so nice and fluffy that First had to resist the excited urge to ruffle his hair. The sight made First feel warm inside. In Khao's left hand was a grocery bag filled with crunchy snacks.

"Are you ready to head in? I just stopped by the market to grab us something while we watch shows together." Khao said excitedly, lifting the bag to show the goodies the two would eventually enjoy together.

First nodded and followed Khao into his home. Both of them head towards the couch in the living room.

They spent the next few hours playing video games, chatting about life, and concluded the night by watching dramas together. They were sharing laughs and smiling from ear-to-ear just being in each other's company. Every now and then, First would glance over towards Khao and feel grateful to have someone like him in his life. Every moment he spends with Khao feels like home, as if he belonged by his side. There was something about his presence that just subconsciously reassures First that he could be his complete and authentic self. First was glad he said yes to Khao's invitation to hang out because for the first time since the company trip, he felt like things were starting to feel normal between them again.

Unfortunately, those feelings of calmness soon subsided once things started heating up in the show they were watching. The two main characters had finally realized their feelings for each other and expressed these emotions through a steamy, passionate kiss. Tints of pink started forming on First's cheeks while his eyes widened from the sudden change in atmosphere. He tried looking away from the screen to distract himself from fantasizing about other things but as soon as he turned his attention away from the screen, his eyes met with Khao's and slowly moved down to his friend's lips. The room soon filled with silence as the sound from Khao's speakers, which were once playing the audio from the show they were watching, began to fade. First couldn't think about anything else except how beautiful his friend looked, his eyes wouldn't waver as if he was in a trance.

Khao's eyes, on the other hand, widened while the gap between them started to close. Inch by inch, First moved slowly towards Khao without realizing what he was doing until their lips finally made contact. Keeping his eyes closed, he noticed how Khao's lips felt plump and soft like a pillow yet delicate like the petals of a flower. The sweetness and slight aroma from the Chinese tea that Khao was sipping earlier, were now staining First's lips. Trying his hardest to keep his heart from exploding, First let out a soft breath, almost resembling a humming sound. After a few moments of savoring this sweet moment, the two became startled once an unexpected booming sound erupted from Khao's speakers. The next episode of the show they were watching began to play the series' opening theme song.

Soon reality hit First and he pulled away from Khao. The expression he saw on his friend's face immediately left him terrified. Khao didn't appear to be as ecstatic about the kiss the two had just shared as First was. His face displayed an emotion that First could only assume was confusion and alarm. First was now panicking as a feeling of guilt began creeping its way out.

Neo's words were replaying in his mind.

" You need to either tell them how you feel or bottle up your feelings and hope they never notice." Well, there goes trying to hide your feelings, First.

Silence once again filled the room, however, it was more uncomfortable than before.

First's heart started beating so loud that he was scared Khao could hear it. Just what was he supposed to do now? A million thoughts were flashing in his mind of the possible outcomes. How would he explain his actions? Khao wouldn't believe it was just a kind, friendly kiss. If he admits to Khao he has feelings for him, their relationship could be ruined the minute he says no. If he doesn't tell him and chooses to keep his love for him a secret forever, he might end up distancing himself to prevent those feelings from erupting one day. The latter was no longer an option at this point. He had already pushed past the boundaries of friendship with this one mistake.

"First? Why-" Khao asked softly, finally breaking the silence.

First, himself had no idea what came over him in that moment of vulnerability. It was as if his body moved on its own. Without thinking about the consequences of his actions. He was not only horrified but unsure about how to respond to his friend's question.

He snapped out of his senses and looked back up at Khao. He felt dirty for having such thoughts about his friend because Khao had no knowledge of First's true feelings. He felt even worse now that he had kissed Khao without thinking about how he would feel. It felt as if he was betraying Khao's friendship and kindness. All of a sudden, tears started streaming down First's cheeks. He was quickly becoming more and more inconsolable.

"Woah! Is everything okay, buddy?" Khao asks, worriedly. He scooted closer to First, rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort him. In response, First placed his face into the palms of his hands.

"I'm so sorry, Tung. I shouldn't have done that...I don't know if I can do this anymore. It hurts too much." First said, his voice now straining.

"What can't you do anymore? What's going on?" Khao was becoming even more worried for his friend.

First quickly tried to stand up and run towards the door to leave the uncomfortable atmosphere but was immediately halted when a hand grabbed his arm. First was visibly shaking from the emotional toll this situation was bringing him but this minute action gave some comfort to First. They were now both standing while facing each other. Khao was not planning to let go any time soon.

"First, you're scaring me. If something is wrong, you can tell me."

"I can't. It will ruin everything!" First began shouting. His fears were too hard to contain at this point.

"Nothing you could do would ruin how much you mean to me." Khao said. These words ignited something in First. It was almost as if Khao was encouraging First to be honest and open up to Khao about his feelings.

"There's only two options at this point. You need to either tell them how you feel or bottle up your feelings and hope they never notice." These words were growing louder and louder in First's mind now.

The feelings First had been trying so desperately to hide, finally snapped.

"Ai'Tung, I'm in love with you."