Hidden Feelings

Chapter 4: Can't Shake My Feelings

First stared blankly at his ceiling while lying on his bed. Everything was silent in his lonely, dark room yet his mind felt the complete opposite. It was chaos. Memories from last night were flooding his mind as he recalled the heated conversation he had with Khao. His emotions were still fresh as tears continued to flow from his eyes. First finally did it. He made his one-sided feelings known to Khao.

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"Ai'Tung, I'm in love with you." First shakily admitted.

"Well, I love you too," Khao responded with a smile, not quite understanding what First was confessing.

"When I say that...I don't mean...as just a friend." First was so nervous that he couldn't even look Khao in the eyes but he tried his best to raise his head high enough to see his reaction.

"Oh."

"Oh? What does 'oh' even mean?" First thought to himself. His mind began to be overtaken by negative thoughts. This one simple reaction could mean a million different things but the look on Khao's face suggested one thing: shock. This look absolutely frightened First; he felt like his heart dropped to his stomach. Khao stood there silently for a few seconds, using his right hand to cover his mouth. His thumb was lightly rubbing against his lips. He appeared to be thinking deeply about how to respond to this confession.

As the silence between the two continued to grow, the more First wanted to vanish from existence. It was all becoming too painful for him. He had made it this far yet he didn't know how long he could wait for Khao's response so without another heartbeat, he cut through the awkward quietness.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I have the courage to talk about this. I really shouldn't have said anything." First grabbed the rest of his items off of Khao's couch and bolted out the door.

"First. No, wait-" Before Khao could even begin to talk, First was already gone.

Covering his face to hide the tears that were building, he left. He couldn't bear to hear Khao reject him, not yet, so he decided to take the cowardly way out of this situation by running away. First ran as fast as he could, not even realizing that Khao was yelling for him to come back. He felt horrible for leaving like that but understood that the longer he would've stayed, the worse he would make the situation. He immediately got in his car and drove back home. Tears were falling faster down his face while the lump in his throat grew more uncomfortable. He had really messed up now, and he could do nothing to change the situation.

Khao had been trying to get a hold of First for over a week at this point. Every day First would receive multiple calls and texts from his best friend asking if he's okay and if they could talk. Usually, First would pick up the second Khao sent a message to him, however, despite Khao's persistence, First would resist the urge to pick up the phone. Even though he desperately wanted to hear Khao's comforting voice, he couldn't bear to listen to what Khao might say in regards to that night.

First doesn't know everything about Khao but he knows he would never judge him for having these feelings. First's only concern was how it could potentially drift them apart from each other forever. The thought of not being with Khao was unbearable to think about so to keep his mind off things, First decided to go out and treat himself to a nice meal. He put on a plain, black hoodie and tied the strings tightly to cover his face, hoping to hide his grieving emotions and walked out the door.

Without thinking deeply about where to go, First stumbled on his and Khao's favorite restaurant. This restaurant wasn't anything special but it holds deeply personal memories. It was where Khao and First shared their first meal together and it became their go-to spot for every milestone in each other's lives. From the beautiful mahogany-colored furniture and soft fairy lights draping from the ceiling to the eccentric paintings that were displayed thoughtfully throughout the room, it was all happily familiar to First.

They specialized in making spicy grilled pork noodles, which was a favorite dish of First and that's exactly what he planned on ordering. After placing his order, First sat patiently on his phone, scrolling aimlessly on Twitter. Everything was going well until he recognized three distinct voices sitting down at the table behind him. First grew curious so he slowly turned his head and peaked over his shoulder to see who these voices belonged to and immediately felt his blood run cold. Mix, Earth and Khao were sitting together at that table. First quickly snapped his head back towards his meal which was now making its way to his table.

First realized a grave mistake he had made by choosing this restaurant. He briefly remembered Mix and Earth attempting to reach him earlier that day to ask if he'd like to join them for lunch but he politely refused, claiming he wasn't feeling the best. He knew they mentioned they were also planning to get spicy grilled pork noodles but didn't think they'd go to this exact restaurant with Khao. He wasn't sure if he was seeing things correctly so First slyly lifted his phone up to catch another glimpse of the guests behind him in the reflection and sure enough, it was them.

He tried his best to eat his meal as quickly as possible so he could escape this uncomfortable situation sooner but that's when he heard something interesting.

"Have you told them you like them yet?" Earth abruptly asked.

Khao was in the middle of sipping his water but immediately started choking on his drink after hearing this question.

"*cough cough* I - um...I haven't yet." Khao responded in a frazzled manner.

"Why not? You don't want to wait too long. Someone that great definitely has a lot of suitors coming after them." Mix bluntly stated.

"Things have just been a bit complicated lately and I'm not sure if it's right." Khao claimed.

First felt so stupid. How could he have forgotten? He spent so much time in fear of Khao realizing his feelings that he forgot the person Khao was actually romantically interested in was someone else. Feelings of guilt began to emerge within First as he now understood that he was hindering his best friend's love life. He felt ashamed for taking advantage of his friend's kindness. Khao had always been so thoughtful of First's feelings so it's not shocking that he would become hesitant to confess to his crush in fear of hurting First.

After finishing his meal, First found the perfect opportunity to leave the restaurant without being spotted by any of his friends. He quickly ran to get inside of his car and made his way back to his apartment. When he finally made it to his destination and into his home, he felt every step grow more and more difficult to complete. He couldn't even hold himself together long enough to make it to his room and broke down crying in the middle of his front door hallway. He felt so hopeless. He finally understood that there would be absolutely no chance of Khao reciprocating his feelings. This understanding made everything clear to First; he can no longer continue to hold these feelings for Khao and that made things harder to cope with.

His shaky hands reach for the phone sitting in his front pocket. He lifted up the device and located his contact list. His tears made it challenging to read the list of names but he tried his best to focus intensely before finally clicking on one name. After a few minutes of hesitation and typing, he pressed the send button.

"Hey Louis...do you have time to chat for a bit tomorrow?"