Hidden Feelings

Chapter 8: All the Things I've Wanted to Say

First was completely frozen. All of the emotions he had carried for the past few months had finally imploded on him. It felt like he watched a movie in another language without subtitles where he could grasp some of the concepts but it would turn out he got the entire plot wrong once he switched the language back. First never thought in a million years that the person everyone was saying Khao is in love with is him. His mind was slowly becoming foggy with the lack of oxygen he was allowing himself to take in but he tried his hardest to focus back on the conversation with Khao.

"I think..." He paused for another moment. "I think I might've jumped to conclusions a bit too soon." First embarrassingly admitted, shaking his head up and down slightly as if agreeing with his own observation.

"Yeah...I think I would agree." Khao responded, equally embarrassed.

The two shared a brief laugh together at the awkwardness of the situation. Then, Khao looked back up at First with clear sincerity. His hands fidgeted in an attempt to calm himself down from the intense situation. He cleared his throat before speaking again, hoping it would make him sound more confident about what he was planning to reveal next.

"Listen, First...the reason I paused wasn't because I didn't like you...it was because I was scared," Khao uttered.

"Scared? Why would you be scared?" First asked with confusion.

"I was overwhelmed with emotions that night. I was overthinking about a lot of things and about our relationship." Khao took a few moments to collect his thoughts. He was visibly shaking from nervousness. His eyes looked down this time, staring at the partially used tissue First had given him earlier in an attempt to find comfort from the gesture.

"I was...I am worried that I might not be good enough for you. I've been in love with you for over 5 years at this point. Yet, I have the fear that if we ended up together and one day you realize you no longer share the same feelings as I do...I just don't know if I could recover myself from that outcome." Khao stammered.

First now noticed Khao's anxious hands. He smiled endearingly and grabbed hold of one of his hands and began rubbing his thumb against Khao's skin, comforting his friend. Immediately, Khao's hands stopped trembling. They were soft and slender and fit perfectly in his hands. The connection these two shared was special, it tended to scare their coworkers with how easily they could connect their emotions through simple touches. Some cast members from their recent series, "Moonlight Chicken" remembered one moment during First's first filming day on set where he began crying the instant he touched Khao. Their bond was unlike any other.

First looked into Khao's eyes, never wavering. He wanted to give Khao reassurance of his feelings for him. "Tung, you mean the world to me. I don't think I have the words to even describe how much I love and care about you. It's true though, neither of us is in control of the other's feelings but I don't want to be with anyone else except you. No matter what we are, I want us to be together for a long time. How do you feel, though?"

Khao didn't say anything for a while. He looked worried as if anything he said would be wrong but he lifted his head and confidently responded back, "I love you too and I want to be with you for a long time as well." Another tear was streaming down his cheek.

After all these months of indecisiveness on First's part, it was his turn to move things along. He knew exactly what he wanted but he cared more about Khao's feelings in this moment. He was willing to take things as slow or fast as Khao needed.

"What do you want us to be then? Friends? Lovers? Somewhere in between?" First questioned, with a voice that sounded like it would be pleased with whatever answer Khao chose.