A Court of Shadows and Lies / ACOTAR FF

Chapter 84

Azriel was snoring softly while I stood by the window, watching the snow fall. It was beginning to settle, the temperature cool enough for it to stick with the sleet from earlier no longer an issue. I had thrown on one of Azriel's jumpers from his wardrobe and I had forgotten how long his body was. I had got used to wearing my own clothes, but it smelt like him. It smelt of comfort.

Velaris barely looked like it had been attacked from where I stood, nearly unbelievable that it had only been a couple of days here. In all honesty, it was giving me whiplash. I had forgotten how time worked on other planes, and even back home. Time was so much slower here.

Speaking of time, it was two in the morning and I hadn't been able to fall asleep, despite being in Azriel's bed and home. Before Starfall, it would have been easy to curl up into the Shadowsinger but now, all my brain could do was run on overdrive.

I love you.

Those three words had been repeating non-stop in my brain, making me restless, and heating up against the male. It had been a long time since anyone had said that to me, and only one other male had said it to me.

He had died.

I looked over my shoulder at the Shadowsinger, the incessant tug hadn't stopped since he had proclaimed his love for me. Despite the resentment of wearing the necklace, when I wore the Chaostrite, I learnt to not depend on only myself, that it was okay to rely on someone else, to let others care for me the way he did. For so long, I had been on my own, doing my own thing, being independent – and Gods, did I love it – but it didn't hurt me to let Azriel take the wheel sometimes.

I could protect you.

He couldn't.

It's not that he wouldn't, he had made it perfectly clear that he would, but he couldn't. I wouldn't let him.

That was my sacrifice to make, not his.

I quietly manoeuvred my hand in the air, palm facing upwards, where my tatty red diary had landed in a blink. I felt the red leather's upticks and tears, running my finger over the uneven paper. The damned thing had been there for me for so long, with so much of my history and life, just written on the cotton. It had been a source of my outpouring emotions, and even unfortunate situations – like with the Inner Circle in Velaris.

Perhaps I had forgiven them too easily, perhaps I was stupid, but so much had changed, been shown to me, to us, that letting scared fae could be something I could sweep under the rug. So much time had been taken from me, especially Rhysand and the Archerons, and I could only imagine what they were currently talking about, feeling, experiencing because I too was going through the motions.

Flipping through the pages, I landed on the diary entry the morning after Vel and I had become something, whatever that was.

Dear diary,

It's been getting easier to write here.

I turned 10,010 yesterday – Tadhg had joked that I didn't look a day over 1,000. The High Lords had thrown me a party in Velaris, with all of my friends. Cherry was there, so were the twins, Alra and Cry. Everyone who had meant something to me.

Vel was there – not that it wasn't a given.

I could feel him staring at me when I wasn't looking in his general direction, and I could feel him not be present in whatever conversation he was having with Key. The sex had been great, and frequent, but I didn't have much to compare it with. Vel had been my first for a lot of things and I think this is some form of a relationship? Sif had said that it was like we were together but it was cringe-y and a bit weird.