Someone I loved

Chapter Twenty-Three

Days have been months since we were a happy couple with some small fights, I bet there is no relationship without fights, every time we get into a fight I always think that "this is his first relationship and he doesn't know how to talk or convince ". so, I was always the one to sort out the issue because I couldn't stay angry with him. I  convinced myself that he was new to all this stuff it takes some time for him to understand. 

This continued for a more extended period and I am the one who always tried to save the relationship. every time we fought over small issues he never came to convince me, or even if he tried he gave up on me after a few tries. I thought maybe he was giving me space and letting me think and giving me respect. 

I continued to stay like this for over 6 months we had many ups and downs in the past  6 months of our relationship. But One day we argued in college "I am that type of girl who listens to girlfriends and thinks they are true, well most of the time I'm wrong. "

he got mad at me because I took a  picture with Paul as he graduated, we were fighting for a week now on the same topic and had a lab exam. I and my girlfriends completed our exam and came out I was waiting for him to come, and they said they want to go to a movie, we waited until all boys came out, Sara asked them "Guys we are going to the movie do u wanna come ?". some of them said  "yes "and few said "no" Dwyn was one of them. he called me to the side saying "Stay back let us talk". 

I wanted to stay and clear things out but Jade and Sara told me "Let him wait after not talking to you for a week how could you go running, do you have self-respect." taking their advice the wrong decision I made.  we went to a movie and while I was on my way back to home my phone died. I got home and knew that my Dog met with an accident "  he was hit by a car ". that evening was one of the scariest evenings in my life, I was beside him till night, feed him meds, and food and he slept. I got up put the phone on charge and called Dwyn crying.

As soon as he picked up the call he started yelling where were you? why didn't you call? I told you not to leave but you did? he didn't care if I was crying, which made me even sad, and started to cry a lot, he asked "What happened why are you crying ?"

"My dog met with an accident I started to explain that he was hit by a car and didn't have any severe injuries but he is in shock" while I was sobbing. 

The first thing he said was "he didn't die right "in a harsh tone. After hearing those words I froze and I couldn't hear anything after that.  I repeated myself and asked "Did you just say he didn't die right ??" he said yes, it's not the topic why didn't you call me? and why was your phone off ?? 

Tears were pouring down my eye as I said sorry to him and quietly listen to him while my mind was still stuck on those words.

he cut the phone and I was crying my heart out laying on the floor, my mom calls me for dinner, and I told her to give me time to freshen up. I went to take a bath and stood under the shower crying, crying. Thinking about why he said that " doesn't he care for me? I know we were in a fight but he heard me crying and still didn't care to ask what happened instead he started yelling at me. Doesn't he care about what situation I am in? Doesn't he respect things that I love? Doesn't he care at all? I know he is angry but doesn't he care what I feel?

Why did I didn't speak up and said sorry? Why did I do that? I was not wrong, he didn't understand my situation, did I compromise and said sorry ???

I know we are in a fight and I didn't do any of the things intentionally, why did I say sorry? 

Am I compromising my emotions and feeling for him ?? like my mom did for my dad ???

am I gonna end up like my mom compromising her whole married life?  when thoughts like this started to build up in my mind, I was thinking about the old fights we had where I compromised every time to save the relationship where he didn't put in any effort to save the relationship. 

why is this happening to me why does every time we fight I know he is wrong but I blame myself hoping I was wrong, maybe I should explain to him, maybe I should not stay mad at him because he doesn't know how to convince me. every time he does something that tells me he isn't good for me, I ignored it, and every time he comes through doing something good he wins me over and I lose that argument with myself. 

I couldn't sleep thinking of all this If he wanted he would have come first to talk to you, if he wanted he would have I felt it that night, He didn't call I had to call every day, and he didn't take care when I was sick, he never asked if I was ok? if we had a fight or maybe I was sad he never cared if I said I was ok, didn't he see through that I was in pain or I was sad? Or maybe I convinced myself every time saying over and over again that "this is his first he will learn things ". 

 He doesn't know how to communicate that's his biggest problem and I understand that. I learned to be patient and let him know I was his safe place and he can trust me, I waited for a long time even though I hate waiting, can't he see how much I loved him? if I argue about something and don't get over it why doesn't he understand that the same issues constantly bother me and nothing changing.

I wish he can understand how much I love him. It was the morning I thought I should stay unreacted for everything that happens and do as he said with a smile on my face. I wanted to see if he can understand or maybe he is happy if I acted that way.

Then I didn't  behave like I usually do and thought 

if he misses me he'll call me to hear my voice, if he wants me, he'll say it. if he cares, he'll show it. if he thinks about me, it will come out of his mouth. If I am on his mind nonstop, he will do anything he can to see me.  if he truly likes me, he won't let anything get in the way and fight back just to keep me in his arms. if not, he obviously doesn't like me. it was not love but just an attraction. 

 that Night thought me three things :

1. Never make your loved one feel unwanted.

2. no matter how hard things get, don't give up on each other.

3. Always have each other's back through good and bad times.