DEAR DIARY [WOOSAN]✔

CHAPTER 5

29th September, 2023

Dear Diary,

I was stuck in the hospital for the past seven days. Chemotherapies drained the living shit out of my life and I feel like nothing but a living corpse, who is forced to live. Gosh! Every second of my life on this planet makes me regret my living. How I wish I were...dead.

My stay at the infirmary was nevertheless supposed to be as mundane as possible, as always. But this time it wasn't bad. On the second day, after the doctors' were done with their checkup, I was sitting outside my ward to breathe some better air, and that was when I met a fellow patient, Song Mingi.

"You're cute, you know that?" was the first thing the boy said to me, making me blush. I hadn't heard this for some time. The last person who ever told me this was San. That was such a long time ago.

"Do you think you'll make it through?" I asked nervously. I didn't want to make him feel sad, but at the same time, I was curious, "After all, leukemia isn't a-"

"No," he said confidently, without any hint of fear in his voice, "I won't. I'm already at the final stage. And I've got no regrets."

I was flummoxed and completely dumbstruck by this lad's bravery. I stared and stared at him. He didn't even flinch. He look absolutely cool and relaxed. He doesn't even fear death.

I would have, perhaps, asked him something, but before I could say something, a boy walked towards us. Not us, towards him.

This boy was cute too, and really handsome. He came and hugged Mingi and gently kissed him on his forehead and his cheeks. Mingi smiled like a child, as he looked up at the other male, his dry eyes instantly lightning up with joy.

"Woo," he said to me, "This is my boyfriend, Yunho. Yunho, this is Wooyoung. Don't you think he's cute?"

I smiled at Yunho. It was nothing but a fake smile. I shouldn't, I shouldn't feel that way. But...but...I felt a sharp pang of hatred and jealousy towards the couple. My chest ached and I felt literally uncomfortable.

"It's nice to meet you, Wooyoung," Yunho said politely, lightly shaking my hand, "And yes, Mingi, he's really cute!"

Yunho and Mingi talked for a while, as I tried to zone out as good as possible. It felt painful to watch them being so lovey dovey. Yes! Yes...I was jealous. I was jealous of them. I was jealous of Mingi having such a loving, warm hearted, beautiful boyfriend. But...But I can't blame them. It's me who is to be blamed.

"You know, Woo," Mingi said in a low, husky voice as Yunho went away to get something to eat outside the hospital, "Yunho is the reason why I still want to fight. He's the reason I never gave up even though I knew very well all along that I won't live. You know, I even tried leaving him, breaking up with him, faking it all. But this boy...he never left. He found out the actual reason, traced his path back to me and now, he's never going to let me go, till the end. He says, 'If my prince cannot finish our story with me, this king here will finish it for him'. He's just - Woo? Wooyoung...what happened?"

I couldn't listen to it anymore. I ran away, straight into my chamber. I crashed down and collapsed on the floor, crying hysterically. My chest twisted in an unbearable pain and ached hard, my head felt numb. I couldn't move. I couldn't walk. I couldn't talk. All I could do was...tear my hair and cry. And cry. My hairs fell of so easily, like the wig of a rag doll. As I sat on the cold marble floor, with tufts of my black hair in my hand, my face stained with hopeless tears, my heart aching more than ever, I silently prayed, 'Of all the people dying today, could I be the one?'

Nothing much happened this week. Dad's busy with his business. Mom takes care of me. I feel like a caged bird, with wings clipped and feet tied. I wanted freedom, freedom from everything. I wanted to fly towards the light of joy and happiness. How long...How long do I have to wait?

That night, I was scrolling through my Instagram, when I suddenly saw San's post, all about the Prom Show. Nevertheless, he became the Prom King, his girlfriend, the Prom Queen. I sighed, as I looked at their picture, his girlfriend in his embrace, where, once upon a time, I used to reign. I zoomed San's image and stared at it, trailing my finger on his facial features, his nose, his lips. Unconsciously, tears streamed down my eyes. No. I was happy. I was happy for him. Finally, he chose someone he could be forever happy with, someone who would make him and his family proud, someone who he'll never have to hide his relationship with, someone who will make his life much much better, stress free and care free. Someone beautiful, pretty, kind, diligent and...normal.

I put down my phone and silently pulled the sheets over my head. The September moon shone directly on my face through the window, amidst the dancing leaves of the tall trees. I looked up at it and...smiled through my tears. At least...there was someone for me.

Dear Moon, let's meet soon!

~Jung Wooyoung

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