But now I sleep alone

Chapter 28

Charlie hasn't eaten in days. Not properly anyway. It's her moms funeral today and I don't know if she will make it through the service. We have less than hour until the cars arrive and there are a lot of people expected as her mom was well liked by everyone locally.
Charlie is lying in bed, her eyes shut but she's not asleep. She is totally unresponsive as Eliza and I try to get her up and ready. I'm almost in tears at the sight of my beautiful Charlie like this. This is not what her parents would have wanted at all.
"Charlie. Come on darling. You need to help us out here. We don't want you missing the chance to say goodbye to her. Please" Eliza begs but she doesn't move an inch. I sit her up in the end and watching out for her arm, I lift her t-shirt over her head. Eliza grabs a black dress from the wardrobe and we manage to slip it over her head before I stand her up and we slide the dress down. Part way there. I decide to leave her leggings on underneath, knowing no one will realise they're not tights. I find a black cardigan and slide it on her before fastening it up and slipping some black boots onto her feet. Eliza brushes her hair and ties it back in a braid, then I scoop her up and carry her downstairs. We put her on the sofa where she stares at nothing, tears trailing down her pale cheeks.
"What now?" I ask, panicking slightly that we aren't going to be ready. Jaime, Mike and Vic join us in the lounge, shortly followed by the guys from You Me at Six and Bring Me The Horizon. Charlie has no family left anywhere it seems so a lot of the bands she's worked with over the last few years have come for support.
"The cars are here" Jaime whispers to Eliza. She nods and I pick up Charlie again, carrying her to the front door. She doesn't say a word. She hasn't said any words for a few days now, yet every night wakes up screaming for her mom. What she's been through is enough to make anyone have nightmares.
The funeral director opens the door of the car behind the hearse and I gently lift Charlie in, getting in beside her while Eliza and the guys sit in the seats behind us. I wrap my arm around Charlie's shoulder as she stares out of the window at the hearse in front of us. Another wave of silent tears hits her and I gently kiss her forehead as I try to offer some form of comfort. The cars start moving as we head for the local church where the service and internment will take place. It's where her dad is also buried and I see it is a beautiful place as we pull up after the short journey. I climb out first and lift Charlie out. I look questioningly at Eliza. Will Charlie be able to walk into the church behind the coffin? She looks slightly panicked - I'm guessing she didn't think of this either. Mike looks at me and motions for me to put Charlie down. I shake my head but he gives me a look so I place her gently on the ground, my arm instantly going around her.
"Charlie. We're at the church darling. Do you want to go in first or walk behind your mom? Do you think you can manage that?" Mike asks, never breaking eye contact with her. His voice somehow breaks a barrier and she nods.
"Walk" she whispers, so quietly I thought I'd imagined it for a moment. She leans into me and I support her as we make our way inside to the sound of Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton. I gently squeeze her hand as we reach the seats and I guide her onto one. She sighs as she sits and I look at the coffin containing the woman who bore the woman I love with all my heart.
The vicar, another family friend it turns out, starts the service and we all join in the hymns, even if we don't know the words to the ones sung in Welsh. Charlie just stands when we do and sits when we do. Not one word leaves her mouth. Eliza gets up to read a poem

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

I feel tears rushing down my own face at the beauty of the words and find some comfort in them with regards to my own father. I know what Charlie is going through but I'm lucky enough to still have one parent and my sister - and my grandparents. Charlie has no one except me.
That's when it hits me. I want her to move back to the States with me and now she can. Selfish maybe but I can't bare the thought of her being alone.

*** poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye***