Coffee Conversations

9- Broken hearted muffin eating contest

Even though it feels as though my world has stopped, everyone else's hasn't. Time stops for no amount of grief, and with it comes the inevitable rise of the sun.

My eyes peel open with my alarm clock and I groan. My entire body is heavy with exhaustion, having caught only an hour or two of sleep. My eyelids are puffy, my skin mottled and blotchy and my hair is an absolute mess.

I shake my head, resting my face in my hands.

How am I supposed to keep moving when it feels as though everything has stopped?

I sit up, staring at my hands for an immeasurable amount of time, trying to figure out a way of spending some time alone. The host in me rebels against the thoughts. I can't leave Wyatt alone, what would Amyas think? Eventually I get up, drifting towards the living room.

When I find it empty I frown, a little disconcerted.

I move to the kitchen, picking up a scrap of paper.

Decided to catch an earlier train, thank you for everything.

~ Wyatt

I glance around, everything neat and perfectly in its place, as though no one had ever been here at all, and I sigh in relief. My hand tremors slightly as I rake it through my hair. I hadn't realised how incapable I was of keeping it together, and I am eternally grateful for Wyatt's early departure.

I don't anticipate hearing from Everett for a while, and I push the thought away quickly before it can upset me.

This is exactly what I had hoped for. I have gotten what I wanted.

I press my lips together firmly, exhaling shakily. Why does it have to hurt so much?

I smile inwardly at my own melodrama. I will be fine. It doesn't feel that way right now, but I will be, one day. Until then, I need a coffee and something really sweet.

I drag my limbs into the comfiest clothes I have, hardly recognising my reflection. The ratty t-shirt I'm wearing is one of Amyas' old favourites and as I sink into it, I find I want to call him desperately. I want to talk to him, to tell him everything, because if anyone is going to understand my heartache, surely it's him. But I can't. It's all too messy, loyalties too muddled.

Instead I slip into my only pair of joggers. They are a soft, pale blue that make me feel like I'm wrapped in my duvet. It's better than nothing.

I shove my feet into tennis shoes, not bothering to do anything to my hair but rake it out of my eyes. I don't check my reflection on my way out, knowing I'll only grimace at what I see.

I'll work on pulling myself together outwardly tomorrow, but today is for my soul to heal.

I walk to Starbucks like a zombie, pulling open the door and waiting patiently without a single thought in my head. When I step up to the counter, I'm a little surprised by the careless, generic greeting I get from Blue. My surprise is followed by faint amusement as he does a double take, his eyes growing wide as he takes in my appearance.

"You look like shit." He blurts.

"You always know just what to say." I say softly, a weak smile on my lips at the normalcy of this interaction. It feels nice.

But he pauses, looking torn between making his usual, snarky comment and genuine concern.

"Are you okay?" He asks reluctantly.

I feel tears sting in my eyes and I laugh, shaking my head. His kindness isn't what I want right now, and I frankly don't feel like I deserve it. I'm a traitor to Everett and lost in a mist of pathetic, unrequited love that has me questioning my own self worth. I decide against answering his question.

"Please can I have a coconut milk caramel macchiato? And..." I trail off, gazing at the muffins in the cabinet.

I never order them, even though they call to me every day. I don't have the time to exercise as much as I want, which means my diet is strict and adhered to like a military regime. But today, I don't care.

"One of every muffin." I say.

I drag my gaze back to Blue, who's looking at me with a disturbed expression.

"I'm eating my feelings." I joke, trying to break the tension. It doesn't work, as usual.

"£17.65." He says and I nod, tapping my card.

I move along the counter without being told to, diligently putting my two pounds into the tip mug. I hesitate however, quietly appreciating how kind Blue has been. In all honesty, he's treated me with bare civility, but I appreciate it today nonetheless. I fish out my wallet and add a fiver to his tip mug.

I'm vaguely aware of Blue and Rex milling about, getting in the way of their colleague Priya and casting the occasional glance at me as they speak in short, sharp whispers. I feel my cheeks burn a little, retrospectively wishing I had put some effort into my hair at the very least. I pat it self consciously, biting the inside of my cheek.

"Go and sit down, Sam. I'll bring it over." Rex says suddenly and I jolt, my lips lifting a little at being called Sam. I should really correct them.

"Oh, are you sure? It's no bother." I say pathetically and he nods.

"You look like you're about to fall over." He says sympathetically.

I feel it too, so I go and find a quiet spot in one of the comfier chairs. I usually avoid them so someone else can have the pleasure of sitting in them, but today it feels like it's my turn. I sit down stiffly, waiting patiently with my hands placed on my knees as I stare into space.

When a tray is set down I look up, plastering a polite smile on my face.

My smile dampens somewhat when I spot Blue, instead of Rex. All of a sudden I don't feel robust enough to survive his biting criticism, and I remain very still, trying to avoid pissing him off.

He watches me with a frown, his lips pressing together as he surveys the mess in front of him. He looks as though he's contemplating saying something, but whatever it is, I'll never know. He exhales instead, giving me a weak half-smile before turning away and returning to the counter.

I stay frozen in my place for another minute before relaxing, my head falling into my hands. I take a few steady breaths, in and out until I feel level again. I sit back, smiling half-heartedly at the absurd image of my muffin line-up and reach for my coffee, taking a tentative sip.

I hum under my breath, the caffeine hitting my tastebuds like a firework. Hitting a little too strongly in fact. I frown gently, glancing at the sticker on the side of my mug.

I smile suddenly, a real smile, as I realise that Blue has slipped in an extra shot. Kindness, it seems, finds you when you need it most, and I cling to the quiet knowledge and the comfort that it has produced. For now, it's enough.

_

A/N

Two for the price of one because Chap 8 is kinda short.

This is by far my favourite titled chapter of any book I've ever written. I have it on a t-shirt because it is so distinctly, specifically relatable. To me. I am the winner of this contest. 

Does that mean I have my own merch? lol. Iconic or sad? You decide.