Lunaticus

1

They say that we have a new boy in our trope.

I shake my head, concentrating on the whisking bowl. I already had my share of crazy. It was exhausting to keep up with new additions to it.

As I beat the puddy mixture, I zoned out. It was my recommended practice. My recommended therapy. It was what calmed my wolf.

I made peace with the fact that this will be all I'll be good at a very long time ago.

But there was something else that was keeping me on edge. A thing that would redefine my future, change the course of life itself.

The oath. The oath of conclusion.

I took off the pack of cocoa from the cupboard and turned it so I could read the ingredients. Too much cocoa was disliked amongst our kind, and I have been reprimanded on it time and time again.

I tried but failed to read the text.

Words to the other wolves came as easily as breathing. They didn't have to concentrate, or focus, or clench their teeth in exertion to make each letter. For them the letters stayed put, calm and docile.

For me they jumbled, scurrying, fleeing from the grasp of my gaze.

"Here, let me read it."

Standing before me was Evan, my apprentice but in ways my equal. He was an year older, a head taller, and sly bit shy. As he calmly took the pack from me to read, I thought he was the most perfect being ever.

Of course I wouldn't if we were mates. He had already taken oaths.

Rule number one. Never ask about the past.

And it was always the past that held the answers to all the whys.

All I knew about Evan was that he was from a pack west-wards, and things were critical with his parents. And that too after prying him for info for the last two years.

But Evans never asked me.

Maybe the rumors had already reached him.

He was a good actor. Maybe that be his practice.

"Mm. Only 45 percent cocoa. We're good to go." He said, passing me the bag and tying an apron around his waist.

"Who said anything about we?"

"We...You and I." He grinned. "The Duo of disaster." He lowered his voice to a mock sing-song tone, and I smiled inspite myself.

"Did you know, there's a new boy in the pack?"

"Aha." I busied myself with setting the tray.

"They say he's from the north."

"Mm-hm."

"-and that he's not right."

I made my frozen joints continue. It wasn't a crime to be interested in stupid gossip.

"Hmm?"

"Well, that's all I've heard from Chris. Nobody has seen him. Someone dropped him off earlier, and now he is at the captains cabin."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I wonder which flavor of crazy he is."

I stared at my hands, covered in specks of hard floor and wheat. "Do you think I should take the oath?"

"The oath of conclusion?" He propped himself on the counter beside me, his long legs bumping against the oak wood. "Why?"

I opened my mouth and closed it. My reasons had sounded so solid in my head, but now I risked coming off as childish.

"I...I don't know. I don't think the wolf lifestyle is for me."

"Hey," He said gently, "Look at me."

I did. Serene green eyes stared into mine through a pair of black rectangular glasses.

"You haven't shifted yet?"

I shook my head, feeling a bit sick at the prospect. Of both shifting and not shifting.

"How much time?"

"Next full moon, maybe after that?" I gulped. "When you took the oath, was it scary?"

"Terrifying." He grinned, flashing his pearly white teeth. "But also easy, because I had already decided. The journey is easy when the mind is made up."

"Why didn't you hesitate? I do not mean to pry but just locking your wolf like that, forever, without ever even getting the chance to run it. It is the bravest thing ever. Also the stupidest."

He was struggling to keep his smile in place. "It was. But it was harder to be a wolf and stay connected to my family. This life just isn't for me. And I'd like you to do something, something that helped me make my mind. Close your eyes."

I did. Secretly I wondered what he saw now that he was looking at me without my watchful gaze.

"Now I want you to envision your life without your wolf. Without being like everyone else. Feeling the hollowness in your chest, the cravings. But also the freedom. Of not having a scent or a mate. To live your life the way you want to."

I tried to. Most of what he had said was my current life, minus the hollowness or craving. I guess that came after.

"Now envision your life with your wolf. You'd get to shift and run. You'd always be connected to the other wolves, a community, someone to back you up. They would always follow you though, for good or for bad. And then there's your mate, someone around the globe, made just for you. Your soulmate, your other half.

"You might never find him, but if you do it would be worth everything you'd die to protect them. And they would love you till your last breath."

Every word he said hit me hard. This image he put into my head was too good to be true. And that said something about me didn't it. Easier to myself getting rejected than loved.

The shrill ringing of the bell jolted me awake. I looked straight into the eyes of Evan.

"Did it help?"

I nodded mutely, but failed to tell him it hadn't. Only troubled my thoughts further. As I pulled on the mittens and opened the oven, one thing was for sure.

I didn't have time. I had to decide soon.

It was now or never.