Lunaticus

8

As the full moon approached, I found myself jittery, crossing and uncrossing my arms. I went to tell the captain about my approaching shift, and she gave me a deep, knowing look.

"Do you know what to expect?"

"Erm..." I coughed into my fist, feeling my cheeks color. "No?"

"It will be painful," She stood from her desk and went to the room adjoining hers. When she came back, there was a map and some orange bottles in her hands.

"Only take this after your shift," She said, tapping the white cap of the small bottles, "It will help you in dulling the pain."

"Okay." I nodded meekly. She held the map before me. "This is where we go when we are expecting. You wouldn't want others to see you like that unless, of course, it's your mate." She arched an eyebrow.

I shook my head vigorously, "N-no. No mate at all."

"Okay," She said simply, going back to her seat. "Then good luck, and let me know tomorrow morning how it goes."

"Thank you." She met my gaze, and the hard cobalt of her eyes melted.

"Non nobis solum nati sumus. Not for ourselves alone are we born."

I left quickly before I could have started crying in that room.

***

The map led to a nearby ravine. I wasn't good at trekking, but I knew my way around this place. I'd only been here for four years or more.

The path and the trees didn't trouble me, as much as the captain's word. Unless it's your mate.

I should tell Lyell. Just tell, so that he wouldn't wonder where I was. Not that he had ever met me at night except for that first day. But he should know.

No matter what, I won't take him with me. He shouldn't get to see me naked. I was sure the sight would abhor him, and I didn't want that. I was finally getting used to his hugs without telling myself constantly not to flinch. Nothing in this world could ruin that.

So I'll just tell him, and that'll be that. Efficient and sufficient.

But when I reached his shed, backpack heavy on my shoulders, he wasn't there. There was a note nailed to the wooden door. Gone for the night.

I frowned. He had already shifted, so there was no particular reason for him to be unavailable for tonight. And usually, he would mention his schedule to me during our conversations in the morning, and he had said nothing of surprise today.

I shrugged. Whatever. Even if it bothered me.

Secretly, I had wanted to see his reaction. Would he be excited, or concerned? Would he want to come with me? Would he, maybe, surely not, but maybe just maybe, accept me for me?

Damaged. Fragile. Broken beyond repair.

But he wasn't here, and short of shouting about my shift into the nearby forest, I had no way of reaching out to him.

So I went alone.

The moon was high and full when I reached the ravine. The shrubbery was thick, reaching and nearly curtaining the sky from the ground below. It was strangely peaceful. I could hear the crickets croak, and sometimes a branch or two creaks.

I shrugged off my button-down shirt and laid it nearby. I didn't want to be nude without knowing for sure, so I left the gray tank top and jeans shorts on.

Now...to wait. I took out my sketchpad, letting my hand sweep across the plain paper. I had never told anyone else, but I loved to draw. It was the only thing that had made me go on through the years.

But this hobby was of no use in the pack. We needed hands to do work and keep the pack going. No time to doodle.

You should focus more on your academics.

That unbidden thought took me by surprise, and I shoved it back into the locker of my mind. It must be the stress of the night. Why else would I be having flashbacks of my horrid past?

Time flew. By the time midnight came by, I was thoroughly disappointed and embarrassed. It's not your fault. I knew that yes, it wasn't, but it didn't make me feel any less.

What if the captain thought I was an attention-seeker? No, but she'd smell the lack of wolf. And then she'd think I was a liar. A liar and attention-seeker.

You're a liar and attention-seeker, Chloe. Pathetic.

I started to hyperventilate. Its fine. Its fine. Its fine. Itsfine Itsfine Itsfine Itsfine Itsfine ItsfineItsfineItsfineItsfineItsfine-

And then before I the hollow in my chest could suck in my sanity, the most heart-wrenching, painful howl broke through the air and my reverie.