The 𝕸𝖆𝖗𝖗𝖎𝖆𝖌𝖊 Dilemma ║ 🄹🄹🄺

Chapter 49

"I know, it's just that- Jisung will be done with college in no time, and you already live alone, and if both of you are gone, then what will I do with myself?"

"You won't be alone. You have dad - who is worried to death about your missed appointments. You can't just stop your treatment because you're scared of an empty nest."

She looked defeated. "That's not why I didn't go to my appointment."

You were confused. What else could have made her stay home?

Then you realized.

"They told you you can't get a transplant?" you asked.

She nodded. 

Somehow you had not expected that. Since the day your mother found out about her kidney failure two years ago, the option of a kidney transplant was always a matter of 'when' and never 'if'. After all, there had to be one single compatible organ donor out there. Neither Jisung nor you qualified, you had both went to a testing centre without telling your mom about it two years ago.

"So what? There were so many risks with a transplant to begin with. Maybe it's for the better: at least this way, you have some certainty that the dialysis is working, which you wouldn't have with the transplant. And just because they aren't finding anyone now doesn't mean that it's completely out of the question."

Your mother looked down at the scissors in her hand. The plant she had moved on to was in perfect shape, it did not need any grooming. She put the scissors aside.

"Y/N, we both know that it isn't likely."

"So what, you just give up? You raised two children and now you're done? What about Jisung's graduation? What about dad's birthday? What about my wedding?"

You bit your tongue as soon as the words left your mouth. It was cruel to dangle hope in front of your mother's eyes after you'd already married behind her back. Especially knowing there were very little chances she would live to see you get married to someone who wasn't only doing it because of a contract.

But you also knew that it wasn't just her children's social life she was worried about. It was the uncertainty. The feeling of never really knowing what will happen when they leave. The anxiety that maybe everything you did wasn't enough, that they weren't prepared for adult life and would inevitably fail. The fear that tended to overshadow hope: that despite having decided you wanted to live, time was still running out.

And there, you realized that it wasn't about Woojin or Jisung or even you. 

Your mother was scared of uncertainty, and where in life there were so many open questions with no definite answer, death, at least, was reliable.