Out of the woods

When the sun came up

When I wake up the silence surrounds me. When we first got to earth I used to love the silence. It was a commodity we never had in the ark. But now I hated it, because it was always broken with a scream. No matter where or when the silence found us, trouble followed. Something terrible was always ready to strike when there was silence.

I looked at the medical bay, I had fallen asleep on the job again. Luckily no one had gotten hurt or sick in the past few days, so it was slow for me. Everyone was enjoying the warm spring that had found us. It chased the cold winter out of our bones. We were happier, excited for what lay ahead.

I bit down on my cheek, trying to fight off the exhaustion. Ever since the group left to go hunting I hadn't slept. Not because I was worried, although I was. This trip was different, especially since they didn't have their fearless leader helping them. They were searching for food without him there to have their backs and it was all my fault. I couldn't stop blaming myself. I couldn't even fall asleep without that voice inside my head reminding me yet again how terrible of a leader I was.

Bellamy had been missing for two weeks now. Ever since Jasper wandered back into camp without him, disoriented and claiming the grounders took him, I had been keeping count. Two weeks without my second in command, two weeks without someone to help me handle the load of watching out for our people. It was a long time to spend without your best friend. It was a long time to carry the weight on your own shoulders.

Lincoln and Octavia have been searching for him. They left the day after Jasper came back without him, they haven't been back since. I found it hard to focus, especially because they wouldn't let me come along. They said one leader needed to stay at camp, since Bellamy was missing I was the chosen leader. I fought them, but I didn't win. In the end raven convinced me to stay. They were right, our people needed someone to keep their hopes up.

I needed Bellamy to keep mine up.

Two weeks without any news or word from the two of them and I was starting to lose hope. I was starting to believe he was gone for good, before we really had a chance to figure things out between us. Before I had a chance to answer him. Instead I walked away like the coward I was. Just like I walked away eight months ago, too afraid to face our friends after the battle we had been forced to fight.

I wandered back here and found them all happy to see me, even if I wasn't completely healed from the pain I carried, at least I knew my people still wanted me. They didn't blame me, they still looked to me for answers. They same way I looked to Bellamy for my answers. Expect he wasn't here now, I had to find my own answers. I had to find my own way.

I was starting to understand how he felt while I was gone. Lost, alone, the weight of our friends and family on his shoulders. I wanted to apologize to him, I wanted him to know how sorry I was for making him suffer those five months without me.

Lexa had him. I was sure of it, if the grounders took him, Lexa was behind it. She knew how important he was to me. She knew I cared for him more than the others. This was her revenge for the mountain. This was her answer to the broken alliance. She was taking away the person I cared about, the same way they took Costia away from her

I was so mad I could pull my hair out. If we hadn't been fighting he wouldn't have been distracted. He wouldn't have been going in the wrong direction. The peace treaty was clear, we were to stay on our side of the river and there would be no problems. Bellamy had surely crossed that line. Now he was paying the price.

He was paying my price.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying not to think about the last thing I had said to him. It was mean and hard, used to get him to stop asking me to make a decision. I thought I would see him again, I thought we had more time. I was a fool, no one on the ground had more time. I should know not to bite my tongue by now.