Isla Haraya: Maria (Published under IMMAC)

[Happy??? Graduation]

Trigger warning: May contain sensitive topics such as death, sex, profanity, suicide, self-harm, drugs, alcohol, mental health, sexuality, etc. Please be guided accordingly and read at your own risk.

— ;

19 years old.

Time check: 3:23AM

I thought I would never have to write another letter like this, no more words as I sit on the verge of life and death. It had been months and I thought that maybe I could really be okay, that I no longer needed to draw red lines so I could justify the things that I was feeling.

Honestly, I do not have the energy to vent a lot. I'm just typing on my phone because I needed to document this.

It's just a week since I graduated and most of my classmates are taking a little bit of a break before looking for jobs. I started looking for jobs three weeks ago, maybe a month even. I just know that the process would be long so it was ideal to start looking earlier and I wanted to be able to help around the house more, maybe the bills too, depending on my salary. But it might not be enough, considering that I had zero experience and most jobs need it.

How was I supposed to get any experience if no job would take me?

I had a couple of interviews lately but no follow-ups.

For a week now, ever since graduation, I have been crying myself to sleep. Tatay has been really pissed off that I still have not landed a job. He feels like I am being too picky and wanted my dream job immediately. He kept on reminding me that everyone starts at the bottom and I should not be picky.

The thing is, how can I be picky when there is nothing to pick?

I tried to speak up and explain...again but Nanay got mad at me, telling me that I should not talk to Tatay that way, that I should respect him, and that he has a point.

The anxiety of transitioning from school life to work life (real life) was already getting to me. Everything feels so new and it's like I'm still floating into the unknown. I feel so clueless about most things and I see some other schoolmates who are landing their first jobs and they are navigating through this new chapter with ease. Though, I'm not really sure since I only see their posts. But it feels like everyone knows what they're doing and I know nothing.

It was already eating me up and Tatay being harsh, calling me lazy and picky is not helping. All I can think of now is that the employers see what my parents and my peers see–a useless person who will never be enough.

The voices are growing louder every night and all I can do is cry.

Right now, typing this, I'm crying and bleeding as I wonder if I have what it takes to keep on living...to have a life I've always imagined when I was a kid.

All I can do is wonder if I'll be enough to get a good job, have a good life, and smile.

Right now, it feels like I've hit a dead-end.

What am I even doing? What am I supposed to be doing?

I don't know. I'm tired. So tired.