𝚂𝚎𝚎 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚂𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 #1: 𝐒𝐞𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

°36°

° ° ° ° °
AIDAN:
° ° ° ° °
It was another day. Another time for a happy-sad feeling. I wasn't exactly sure what was wrong with me today but I'd been in a wistful mood since.

It may have started when I was about going to school today. I was oddly enthusiastic about school, and for strange reasons, it seemed to me that Otamayomi was the cause but then, Aunt Fatima reminded me of my medications. She had me promise to attend my first therapy session later this evening.

I didn't want to remember that, I didn't want the memory holding the cause of the therapy session to stick in my head. It was a big struggle for me each time it came up. The urge to hurt myself, to leave a mark of remembrance that pain was all I was worth, was all I deserved manifests in me each time.

Surprisingly, I had succeeded in tearing out of such times but that was only on rare occasions. I call it luck.

Aunt Fatima comes to check up on me to see if the meds are working. They might be, considering the fact that I never escape such situations, the medications had given me lucky times.

I was going today. I had to face it today. I had to talk about everything, relieve the trauma, and die inside.

I sat on the grass-covered ground, resting my back on the walls of the old assembly hall with a leg propped up and a hand resting on it. I wasn't sure how I got there, I didn't know what I was doing there but I remained on the spot, staring straight ahead at the sun, quietly.

I had been staring for so long, my eyes were hurting badly, they stung and it blurred and dripped of tears. Still, I refused to look away. I wanted to go blind, hoping that would be enough punishment to justify my dirty act.

I had a picture of mum and Imogen with them, no matter where I went. And when I had shoved my hands in the pockets of my trouser minutes ago and took it out. I stared at their pretty faces, faces I wished to feel and hold again, and I decided I had to punish myself again.

I cut myself on the wrist, a deep stinging cut that I let to drip of blood and stain the green grasses. It didn't feel satisfying enough, so I intended to go blind.

I stared into the sun in silence my eyes still stinging, I feared I had began to see colors.

Mother's face visualized before me all of a sudden. She wore a smile so positive, it sent warmth through my entire body. It made me think of the warmth of a fire to calm our senses on a cold rainy day. It made me think of hugs, and the content, happiness and love that is embraced. It made me think of a person, sleeping on a bed tucked in a cozy duvet on a cold rainy night.

Her smile affected me that much, I could feel the brightness radiate through my body. A small smile wore it's way to my lips and I sat there, staring at her and watching her smile at me, in all her glory.

Mum called for me. She had her arms out, as if awaiting a hug, that smile brightening by the minute and my smile grew wider. I reached to hug her, I spread my arms wide and wrapped my arms around her, shutting my eyes.

Nothing. I didn't feel anything.

I opened and moved away, looking around the place for the woman I just saw, for the woman that radiated light. I blinked and realization dawned on me.

This was reality. And here, she was gone.

I bit my quivering lip, staring ahead. I tried desperately to make the image or mother I had just seen, come back to me. I felt the heat of a tear that roll down my left cheek. And I choked on a sob.

Silently, I cried.

For my mum, for my sister, for my father, and my unfulfilled wish to change what had passed.