Not a Soldier Yet |Ao'nung x Neteyam|

15. Inside Your Mind

Nobody punished Neteyam for running off. When he was finally found by none other than Ao'nung, Neteyam fought to keep away from the reef na'vi.
Life had not been calm ever since the kiss that they shared. He felt helpless. His heart was in pain. He had never felt such pain in his entire life before and he did not know how to handle it. His father had tried to comfort him, but he pushed him away. His mother tried to console him but nothing she did seemed to work. Even his brother and his sisters tried to help but it all was useless. Neteyam cried from time to time. He went flying on his ikran, trying to escape his feelings. His feelings followed him everywhere he went. At night the tears would not stop falling. His eyes were often bloodshot.

He had been avoiding his lessons. Nobody forced him to go. They understood he was suffering. The leader of the clan instructed his son and his daughter to keep a close eye on him. He had heard them talking about it without meaning to listen in. It should have comforted him but instead it only brought him more pain.

His nightly walks had stopped. He was not scared of the dark. He loved the darkness. But he feared what was hidden inside it. He could not accept the kiss as innocent. Not after what had been said to him by others. He felt like every boy in the village was out to hurt him. Including this one. He hated himself for crying about it, he felt weak. He hated feeling weak and he wished the feeling would go away. It never seemed to. Some days he thought of hurting himself, but he realised he could not do such a thing. His father would have been disappointed. This was the one thing he wanted to avoid. He did not want to bring shame upon his family.

He wanted his father's love. Realistically, he knew he had it already, but sometimes it felt so distant. Perhaps one day someone would love him. Not like his mother and not like his father and definitely not like his siblings loved him. He may have been the first-born son. Maybe he was even meant to be the leader of his people, but that didn't mean he did not long for love in its purest form. He wanted to be comfortable enough with someone to show who he truly was inside. Neteyam wasn't sure is it the ocean boy was that person.

He may have skipped all his lessons for the past week, but he had been practising alone for hours and hours way after everyone had finished. His biggest fear was becoming a disappointment.

Sometimes he relaxed by braiding his own hair. Other times he went swimming. He always went beyond the reef. He knew it was foolish as he did not know the world beyond the rocks. He knew there was danger out there and he did not care. The bullying had stopped. Most of the people living in the village knew of what happened and he saw sympathetic gazes drifting his way every time he passed by a larger group of Metcayina.

He refused to speak. His father had asked him multiple times what happened and why he had run away crying from the chief's son that day but he offered no explanation. He did not want to tell his father that he had kissed another boy. It was not uncommon, and it was not shameful and his culture accepted it wholeheartedly; but his father was not born into his culture. It was something he felt only his mother would understand. Despite this, he still did not tell her.

Neteyam decided to go swimming one morning. He told his father of his plans and once he was let go he left his home defined solitude in the ocean. He all but ran to the shore, a strange kind of freedom filling his heart. For moment he felt like he could beat this.

Truth be told he had not felt alive since he left his real home. It felt like a betrayal. His home was very dear to him. It was everything he had ever known and more. There was so much left to explore and so much he had yet to see. Back home he was so free; he never had to worry about what others thought of him. It was very different here. He was always worried that what he was doing was wrong and that it was not something he was supposed to do - that perhaps it would cause someone to punish him. He genuinely wanted to forgive his father for making him leave his home; it was hard.

The bullying had been a punishment that, as shameful as it was, he sometimes enjoyed. He did not dare tell anybody this.

The water felt comforting as it glided long skin. He had called for his little water companion to come keep him company. The creature was just as gentle as he had been before he left his home. They understood each other and their bond was strong. The young Omaticaya boy had never felt such a strong connection to any animal before.

He was glad the bullying had at least stopped but he knew peace was not endless. The boys were bound to come back. He assumed that that was just how life was. Not that it really mattered. Life was just a chore to him. Jake had sat him down trying to explain to him that the way he was acting was just a human illness. A mental illness. He did not mind that he was part of the sky people in a way, but he also did not believe his father when he told him that. Something about it was not right. He didn't get ill. It was not allowed. It was a weakness. He was always strong. Even back when he was younger. He was training to be the next leader. Now that was not his job. All he had to do was enjoy his life here by the ocean. He couldn't even do that.