Not a Soldier Yet |Ao'nung x Neteyam|

66. Fear of Disappointment

Ao'nung rocked him gently, pulling Neteyam's limp form onto his lap and hugging the smaller male close; Ao'nung's eyes were void of judgement. All he felt was unconditional love for Neteyam.

"Oh, Eywa," Ronal breathed out. She felt helplessness fill her core; it was unusual. The tsahik always knew how to help. She was wise and bold, but now she felt as young and green as the day she was born.

Neteyam sniffled quietly.

For the next tense moments, nobody moved or spoke. Ronal's mind was racing; she tried to find solutions but could not find any. She knew countless rituals to heal her people, but she knew not a single one to help such mental torment. Never in her life had she encountered a na'vi so lost and destroyed.

"Neteyam," she spoke eventually. "When you say this, is there a chance you would act on this feeling?"

Neteyam shook his head, hiding his face in the crook of Ao'nung's neck, smearing his tears on the warm skin. "I can't do that to my family. It would not be fair."

"But it's not fair for you to feel this way-" Ao'nung spoke up. "You do not deserve this, Neteyam. All you ever try to do is please those around you."

Ronal stepped aside, letting her son speak to his crying mate and offering them some privacy as she waited outside.

"I try, and I still hurt those around me, Ao'nung. I don't know why this has to happen. Why do I have to be such a burden to those I love?" Neteyam sobbed, clinging to his mate.

Ao'nung felt his heart shatter into a million pieces, forever lost at sea. "My love," he whispered helplessly, rubbing a hand up and down Neteyam's back. "You are not a burden. You are hurt, and we are here to help you just as you have been helping everyone around you, always."

"Ao'nung, I don't know how long I can keep doing this-" Neteyam pleaded. "I just want all these thoughts to shut up and leave me alone, but they're here all the time. When I'm with you, when I'm with my family. It doesn't matter. I think these thoughts, even with a gun pointed at me, and it scares me."

"We can get through this." Ao'nung leaned down and pressed the ghost a kiss to his mate's forehead as Neteyam lifted his gaze to look at the Metcayina.

Neteyam's eyes shone with undisguised doubt. The words tasted bitter on his tongue. "Everyone says this, and yet nothing works. I'm still just as messed up as I was a week ago. Maybe even more."

"Bond with me," Ao'nung whispered. "Show me how you are feeling, and we will find a way to beat this. Together. "

Neteyam closed his eyes. "You cannot ask this of me."

"I want to help."

"By doing this, I would expose all the demons in my mind." Neteyam pulled away, fear tearing into his chest mercilessly. "I cannot show you, Ao'nung. Please don't ask me to."

Ao'nung lowered his gaze to the floor, helpless. He allowed Neteyam to pull away and watched as the young male hurried out of the marui, head hanging as he rushed past Ronal.
Neteyam did not stay to find out what they did next.

He ran without looking back even once and disappeared into the forest. He longed for the sweet caress of his knife, but he had no weapons on him. Nothing sharp to dull his racing mind. There were no distractions from the living hell he was in.
Neteyam climbed up into a tree, hiding behind its large leaves just as he had done when his enemies were tracking him down. Only this time, he was his own worst enemy. Neteyam bent forward, arms wrapped tightly around his midsection as he whined, sobs shaking his body. Neteyam hated himself and what he had become.

So far from the people, Neteyam knew nobody could hear him as he screamed out in agony, breathing heavily and choking on his own sobs. He felt utterly wrecked.
The pain in his heart tore into his sanity, and he could not stop the tears and the panic that trapped him.

With nothing but his own hands, Neteyam dug his nails into his arms, grasping at his soft flesh until the skin broke, staining his fingertips red. Neteyem found himself feeling a strange vulnerability. He was there in person, but it felt like he was looking at himself as an outsider, curled up in a tree, crying.

Pushing past the shame, he allowed his breathing to slow and deepen. He let go of his own arms and looked down to inspect the damage. In his agony, he left bruises on his own skin. Neteyam swallowed nervously and rubbed his hands over his eyes, trying to soothe the burning feeling in them from all the tears.
He spent hours in the tree, watching the eclipse silently.

It seemed he had silenced his mind, and all it took was a few drops of blood.
Neteyam felt dread fill him at this realisation.

Numb, he climbed down from the tree.

"Where were you?!" His father shouted, reaching for his son's arm to tug him inside the marui, away from prying eyes, bit he flinched away before he could touch Neteyam, noticing the fresh, bloody bruises.

Neteyam could not find it in himself to hide.

"Neteyam, " Jake's voice was warning. "What the fuck were you thinking?"

"Sorry, sir," Neteyam mumbled, looking down at his feet. "I lost track of time."

"Lost track of time?" Jake asked in disbelief. He nudged his son inside. "Are you kidding me right now?"

Neteyam clenched his teeth. His family was staring at him, worried. He saw his mother take Tuk's hand and silently lead the young girl outside. Kiri pursed her lips but took Lo'ak's hand and dragged him outside, not wanting to be part of this argument.

"You lost track of time," Jake repeated his son's words quietly. "Do you have any idea what you just did?"

Neteyam shut his eyes tightly, trying to will away the resurfacing familiar burn of tears. His ears flattened. "Sorry, sir."

Jake's mouth hung open before he shook his head in disbelief. "Do not say that to me right now. Neteyam, where were you all afternoon?"

"In the forest," Neteyam admitted quietly, voice shaking. "In a- in one of the trees."

If not for the fury Jake felt, he would have cried with his son, but he was so tired of Neteyam's sudden disappearances that he could not calm down.