In Control (HIATUS)

Ch 13: Feelings & Meetings

Ryker pov:

It's been a rough few days for me since my first mission. I couldn't sleep, I barely ate, and was suffering from it. I couldn't get the image of his head exploding out of my mind. It unnerved me, I felt so guilty.

What if he was good? What if it was the wrong guy? Why did I have to do it?

I could see the cold comfort my father held in her eyes. I knew she was trying to comfort me and assure me that it was okay but… it wasn't. I saw the look in her eyes, the very same look in Arthur's.

It was freezing cold, unashamed, and full of thrill. They liked to kill, they enjoyed it even but I wasn't like them. I didn't want to be like them. I know I said I did and that I want to make her proud but I don't want to kill everyone to do it.

I know I signed myself up for this but I wonder if I can back out. Would she accept me not wanting to continue? It's all so confusing now. What if she hates me because I don't want to be a part of this anymore?

My door was knocked on and I sat up in my bed, calling for them to come in. Az pops her head in before coming in fully, a broad smile on her lips. I swing my legs over the edge of my bed and follow her movements. She takes a seat in my desk chair, sitting comfortably.

"What's up dad?" I kept my eyes avoided, still on edge since the mission.

"You alright?" Her accent was thick, a deep worry behind it all. I nodded my head and gave a weak smile.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I tried to play it off but I was failing. I knew she could tell and it hurt more knowing that.

"Son, I know the mission was hard on you and that's okay." She stood up and approached me, crouching down to my level.

"I-I just… it was… I'm sorry." I tried to find the words but couldn't.

Instead I let out a tired sigh, a large and comforting hand was placed on my shoulder in response. She gave me a smile and took a seat next to me, her eyes staring at my wall, a million miles away.

"Yknow, I remember my first kill… I was 8." She chuckled lightly, her hands clasped together tight enough to show the white of her knuckles.

"That's so young." I commented, unsure how to comfort her. She let out a laugh and nodded her head, her eyes far gone.

"It was a man, about 25, blonde hair, blue eyes, and this mole right above his left side lip. He was young and stupid, an honest mistake for what he did. One of my fathers lackeys that needed to be made an example of. I'll never forget the way he begged to live." 

I sat in silence, letting her words sink in. A cold look overtook her eyes, a sad smile to accompany it. She looked at me and placed a hand on my shoulder again.

"My father forced me to kill from that age on, said it would toughen me up and make me a stronger person. I never got a choice in the matter, if I wanted to do it or not i had too." She offered a kind smile and comfort.

"I won't force you Ryker. It is your choice if you continue or don't." She told me. I nodded and was unsure, I craved her praise and approval. I craved to be just like her.

I just don't think I'm like her… not fully at least. I always wanted to be like her, I wanted to be her replica, a mirror to her but I'm not. I fear Arthur is. I've seen the look he has, the look she has, the look in their eyes that they share.