On Again, Off Again | Jikook

Chapter 6: Lose You to Love Me

Jimin

"Min, have you taken your meds yet?" Yoongi called from the kitchen as I drank more tequila, not even flinching anymore, as I watched Titanic.

"Sometimes, you just gotta let go to keep from sinking." I drawled, wiping my mouth.

Yoongi came and took the bottle from me and replaced it with some Gatorade. "You need to heal." He pressed the pills in my hand.

I cocked my head to the side as I counted the pills. "There's another one here."

"It's your Lexapro, Min."

"Lexapro."

"Which is why you can't be drinking like that anymore. You're on an SSRI. Keep your journal about how you're feeling. You said something about switching to Prozac, well, Fluoxetine, if this one doesn't work. Keep an eye on your energy levels."

I sighed. "I haven't been medicated since high school."

He sat beside me and placed a chain in my palm after I took the pills. I looked at it before looking up into my eyes. "It's my promise ring. Why?"

"You always wear it around your neck when you're... separated. It reeks of him. You scent marked the other's ring. It'll help keep your omega sane while you wait for the bond to fade."

I fastened it to my neck, the ring resting heavily over my heart. "I don't think it's a bond that's able to fade on its own. No matter what I do, I can't ignore the fact that our eyes did glow silver, that our cycles were perfectly synced, that I can feel him right now. I can feel the bonds, attaching us together like guitar strings. Right now, they're reverberating painfully, diminished chords filling up my soul. My omega is thrashing inside me because our mate is in pain."

"He isn't your mate. Plenty of people have fulfilling relationships with mates of their own choosing, or without a mate at all. The thing about the whole fated mates thing is that it doesn't work the same as it did when we were more... primitive. Our human sides are the dominant sides now. We don't live nocturnal lives. We can't shift. Humans are more complex than wolves. It's your wolves that sync up. You, Jimin and Jungkook, you clash."

"You really aren't making me feel any better."

"I'm telling you that you made the right decision. I know it's hard, but sometimes, we have to make tough decisions. Life isn't easy and not all relationships end happily."

My eyes fell closed. "I know."

"Why did you keep getting back together? Who was the one who would initiate the break ups?"

"Me... It's always been me who has called things off."

"That means you're going to have to stay resolute and firm in your decision. Again, why did you keep deciding to get back together?"

"He'd cry and apologize, draw me pictures, make me mixtapes—yes, mixtapes—write and perform songs, mail me poetry. He's romantic and I'm a weak man."

Yoongi laughed. "Mixtapes?"

"He covered all of the songs. He'd even change the lyrics to match us sometimes..."

"What, by changing the gendered terms and pronouns?"

"He usually would make them gender neutral, especially during the one time where I broke up with him while having a gender crisis."

He smiled. "Okay. That's actually really sweet."

I played with my ring. "Jungkook is sweet. That man who's been here, he isn't my Jungkook. I... If he comes back, if he is my Jungkook again and is someone dependable and mature, I'll take him back."

Yoongi freezes. "Jimin, no—"

"It isn't up to you. It isn't even up to Eomma. I didn't break up with him because of anyone but myself. I love him and he loves me, he's just too lost to show it right now. There's something going on with him, Yoongi. I saw it when we were with Namjoon. Something about how he explained school... I don't think he really dropped out because he's lazy. I think he felt like he had to. He thought he was stupid. He thought he was wasting everyone's time."

"He could have kept trying—"

"It's hard to keep trying when all you do is fail, when people give up on you. I didn't break up with Jungkook because I'm giving up on him. I broke up with him because I'm distracting him. When I was his tutor, I noticed things. I'm not qualified to say anything for sure, but I'm pretty sure Jungkook has some sort of learning disability. He isn't stupid. He just needs help and his status as a purebred alpha makes people ignore that he actually needs resources. He needs accommodations."

"You think he needs accommodations?"

I nodded. "Sometimes, he needs more time for things. A lot of times, he failed simply because he couldn't finish and misread some of the questions. There were a lot of times where if I read the questions aloud, he would answer instantly. If he was left to read them himself, he would fumble."

Yoongi contemplates. "That makes a lot of sense. But that's only one facet. What about the partying?"

"He just wants to be loved. He wants to feel good. Jungkook is still young. He's still figuring himself out. His self esteem has its ups and downs. He tells me he doesn't deserve me all the time. He once got so self conscious about how I did academically compared to him, he wouldn't listen to me when I said I needed to study. Honestly, most of our breaks were when academic stress was high. That's why he calls them time-outs or breaks. Studying wasn't working for him. He'd still only get enough to coast by at best. He wasn't trying to bring me down either. He sincerely didn't believe that I would need the studying. Honestly, a lot of times, he was right. I overworked myself because Eomma helped pay for my schooling, so I just had to be perfect. I wasn't always right and he wasn't always wrong. It's just not that black and white. We both had our points and our missteps. His detachment from the real world was the only other reason we would take breaks. He once booked a trip without telling me and when I said I didn't have time to get off work, he said I didn't need a job anyway because I had him. I don't think he understands that things can be shared, that it doesn't all have to be on one person. I used to think similarly when I was a teenager. It's because I saw Eomma do everything alone. Jungkook is the same way, just without the love from his appa."

"That... I feel bad for him. You couldn't just tell him?"

"He wouldn't have listened. Or, he'd just do a one-eighty and fawn and focus on me and continue to neglect his own stuff. Plus, as his boyfriend, it isn't my job to be his therapist. That's what Namjoon is for." I smiled softly. "We need to focus on ourselves. We need to love ourselves."

Yoongi chews on his thumb. "And you have to be apart to do that?"

"Sadly, yes. I've thought long and hard about this. Our bond complicates things too. I think his stuff was affecting me and my stuff was affecting him. True mate bonds are highly volatile and take some work to keep under control."

My cousin furrowed his eyebrows. "Then will it always be this way? Will this bond do nothing but hurt the both of you?"

I smiled. "No. It goes the other way too, Yoongi, just like other bonds. Our happiness, our excitement, our love, it's all shared and amplified too. Controlling and coping with our own negative emotions is what'll stabilize us both. What I need right now is medication since my normal coping methods aren't working right now. What Jungkook needs is to figure out how to handle his emotions. When I said this would be our last time, there was more behind my words."

"Are you going to let him win you back?"

"I always do."

Author's Note: Jimin explains the nature of not only the bond, but his relationship with Jungkook. Will Jungkook also come to this realization? Will he get to the bottom of what's going on with him and work on building habits that'll help him cope?

What are your thoughts on the chapter?

Make sure to take care and love yourself as best as you can.

With lots of love,

-BBM