All I Want Is You (Bkdk, Dkbk)

- 58: All I Wanna Do Now -

He can barely hear Deku's voice, even when its slightly louder than the pounding rain outside and his own breathing. He sees his mouth moving in the corner of his eye but doesn't process the words.  It's almost like its muffled, and all he can feel is the growing guilt. 

Why did he do something so disgusting and actually enjoy it? It's because he's sick, his brain supplies. It's because he's sick in the head. He may have apologized but these scars are something that Deku can't get rid of, will never be able to fully cover up.

They are something that is going to affect his life forever, and it's all Katsuki's fault. The scarred skin stands out so much that he would have no hope of covering them. He felt happy about that before. He actually felt happiness because he knew Deku would never look at himself without not remembering Katsuki. 

He feels hands on his own, pulling him towards something. Katsuki's eyes snap back into focus, zoning in on the person in front of him. He looks so relaxed laying there, just looking at him like he knows what he's thinking. 

Deku's hands pull his closer, until its right up against the scar that had taken all of his attention. When he feels the rough shape perfectly over his hand, his fingers twitch. They feel so sweaty, only getting warmer. 

He feels himself tensing up, watching Deku closely. He doesn't want to hurt him, not anymore. He's already done more than enough to him. Deku hasn't looked away from him the whole time, green eyes just watching him calmly. 

"I know that you're sorry."

The look in his eyes just pulls him in. He loves when Deku isn't scared of him. He loves when they can just talk about random shit without having to be forced to. He loves that Deku isn't afraid to hug or touch him, that he's comfortable now.

But he doesn't want to go back to before. He doesn't want to suddenly wake up and realize that all of this doesn't matter to him anymore, that he must have been fucking crazy to befriend Deku again.

"A sorry isn't going to fucking fix this, Izuku." 

He says it a lot quieter than he intended, and he hates it.  He doesn't want to suddenly think that this was all just some fucked up phase and go right back to square one, not even giving a shit if he hurt the person he loves again.

The reality is, that he is still that person. 

That disgusting, sick kid that hurts the people he loves just because he's too fucking weak to do anything else about the way he feels. 

"Yeah, but it fixed everything else. We're hanging out again, having sleepovers, I have my best friend again kacchan. Isn't that enough?" 

He doesn't want to just be friends. This whole time, he's wanted to be more. But how could he have thought he deserved any of that? He was just going to do what he always did, go for it and take it. But he doesn't want to do it with this. 

He wants Deku to actually want to be with him in that way, he doesn't want him to feel like he has to say yes because its Katsuki. That would just prove how much of an asshole he is, to Deku and to himself. 

"It isn't enough. It will never be enough because you'll still be all fucked up. You'll still have these marks on your body, and you'll still remember that i-" 

His voice breaks. He feels the stringing in his eyes, something that he hadn't realized before. He's going to fucking cry. Right in Deku's bed, right in front of him like a fucking loser and he doesn't think he can stop it. He swallows and closes his eyes in a long blink, trying to get rid of the unshed tears. To will them away because what the fuck are you even doing here? 

"That I'm still the same person who did this to you." 

In all this time though, Deku hasn't looked at him like he deserves it. He looks at him like he hung the stars in the sky and like he raises the sun every fucking morning. Another thing he doesn't get to have. 

"But kacchan, you aren't. Youve changed, i know you'd never do that stuff."

 But he did once, and one time is all you really need. Deku must still be reading his fucking mind because he doesn't look like he's going to stop talking about this until Katsuki believes him. He sits up and starts to lift up his shirt, and his heart races. 

"What are you...?" 

He takes his shirt off, putting it to the side as he looks at him. 

"Just the fact that you feel bad about these is more than enough proof that you've changed Katsuki. Even when you did all of these, i never hated you for them. So, you shouldn't hate yourself for them either. They aren't really all that bad if you look at them long enough..." 

He flashes him a smile and Katsuki just stares. His eyes scan every single scar on his body. He remembers each and every one of them, the moments so clear in his head that they instantly come to mind. 

"Can I..."

Deku nods silently and Katsuki moves, his hands grazing every single one he can get to.  They don't take away from his beautiful freckled skin, but it's the fact that they are there in the first place. Deku should hate him. He should be waiting for a chance to strangle him in his sleep. Even then Katsuki wouldn't blame him. But he doesn't. 

He doesn't hate him, and that hurts so much more. 

"My point is that our relationship has changed and it's a good thing, and that i don't think of them like that. Ok?" 

He looks back at him only to see Deku's arms ready for him. 

God, what is he going to do? 

He hugs him tightly, and he finally lets himself cry. 

Even if it takes his whole life, he's ready to become the kind of person that Izuku sees him as. He loves him so much, he just wants him to be happy, because Deku is doing the same for him. 

- One year later -