Writhe: SCALP

-2-

July 21st, 2022

Dear friend, today she admitted.. I'm growing to like school more. Unusual right? Me of all people saying I like school. Maybe its because im starting to feel seen. By someone whose attention I craved. There's a difference friend, being seen and feeling seen. Lately ive felt seen. Raha asked me for a spare pencil today in physics class. A refraction of light experiment, how boring. Her set up was right next to mine. You know i'm not crazy about physics at all but at least its easier than History class. At least I cant sleep during practicals. History made me start believing you can die from boredom. I was right in ditching it. So.. she asked for a spare pencil. I didn't have it, I only had mine. Friend, I know you're mocking me. Who in their right mind would refuse a chance to help their desired companion, a chance to prove something even if it means jeopardizing themselves? You guessed it: me. I'm not a saviour i've never been. I'm not a knight in shining armor come to save a damsel in distress. I wish I was. Maybe I need a knight in shining armor as well. After the lesson, Raha and I were the only ones left. I couldn't believe it. My dreams coming true right in front of me. I was almost done but I didn't want that moment to end. I know she felt it too, the emotional current. Today me and her, the two of us stood next to each other for a whole nine minutes. As we handed in our papers and took our equipment to the store, we locked eyes. We locked eyes dear friend. And as I looked into her eyes, I realized I wasn't the only one with desire. she was lost in my eyes as I was lost in hers. I couldn't help but wonder, how long? How long has she been looking; how long has she been observing? How long has she been wanting? How long have we been sharing the same desires..

I squealed in happiness and slumped on my bed. I felt giddy. Jesus, me feeling giddy. The lonesome, brooding Me. Today the sunset was golden. My curtains were drawn all the way to welcome her. Her rays hit my walls and gave my somber room some life. I put my journal aside and went to the window. This time, the windows opposite our home were open. The violet curtains were still shut with just a space at the end. The space wasn't there all week. I had been watching. I knew something was going on with Fiki. I felt as if someone was watching me from there. I shuddered thinking of the old woman peeping at me. And the fear returned. The worry and the sadness returned. Fiki had closed me off. She came to school as normal, we talked as normal, even went to eat duck meat at Mr. Gitus restaurant every evening after school as normal, but she would not talk about her grandmother. She changed the subject every time I asked about it.

"It affects me too you know..", I said quietly, chewing on a stubborn piece of meat.

"What" Fiki asked, sipping the cold tamarind juice.

"You're not being fair to me", I said, almost getting teary. "I care deeply about you but you close me off. Right now I don't know what has been bothering you, and you're acting normal. im worried sick! I don't want you being sad. I can't bear it, it affects me too you know."

"Lets go, well be late for our evening study." She said shortly, standing up and grabbing her bag.

I felt the anger rise in me. I grabbed my own bag and followed her.

"No.. you won't do this to me, I won't let you. I won't hurt on your behalf anymore"

"I didn't ask you to! Alright? I didn't ask you to be my friend! I didn't ask you to like me! I didn't ask you to care!"

My anger was rising.

"Oh I can stop if you want me to! Switch it off, you know I can!"

"Do it, go on!" she snapped and started walking away.

I felt the tears filling my eyes. I was sad and afraid of losing my friend. I rushed after her.

"We've never been like this.."