Writhe: SCALP

-5-

31st July, 2022

Dear Friend, I'm falling in love with my close friend. Since mother and father died, I had never had someone who cared for me this much. She is strong and selfless, kind and true. This is the opposite of all that I am. Because of this I find her irresistible. How is it that she cares when nobody else does, how is it that she sees me when everyone turns a blind eye, how is it that she befriended me? She must be special; she must be an angel to love me. That's why I love her, truly. I wish I was able to say it to her face but I can't. I don't know how I should tell her I'm falling into a love deeper than friendship. She is slowly falling for another, so I'm dying to tell her, but I'm not brave. I'm not brave like her. See, she's everything good. It's because I'm not brave that I place this on you Friend. Tell her when it's time. When it's time for our story to begin...

I couldn't believe my eyes. They went from left to right, taking in the words. This was written in Fikis perfect handwriting; in my journal. When had she written this? I hadn't written in my journal for a while since Raha and I became an item. Today, I opened it up to look at March 4th, 2020, when my incident with Fikis grandmother happened, and stumbled upon that. Fiki had written it at the back pages. I looked at the date, it was the day she had come to sleep over then left. That was almost three months ago. I sat down, trying to process. Was this what she wanted to tell me? Was this what was bothering her? Was this what made her distant? I took my hoodie and pulled it on but remembered it was late in the night. The itch of talking to her was beginning to overwhelm me. I felt my skin crawling with restlessness. The fact that I didn't have a phone didn't help things either. My mother was against having a phone while still in school. I punched my desk with frustration. I looked over at her house. Since the night I saw the silhouette, a week ago, the curtains had remained shut.

Despite the sun shining with ferocity the next morning, I felt gloomy as I packed my books for school. I threw in my journal as well. There was only one thing on my mind even as I took breakfast of mutton sandwiches and coconut milk: Fiki. My mother had brought a pile of coconuts from her travels. Food never failed to lift my spirits. I felt much better. However, as soon as I set my eyes on her in class, my moods dropped again. It didn't help things that I hadn't seen Raha the whole morning due to the double History class that was every Friday morning. I felt empty and down when I didn't start my day by seeing her; almost like a sick person. I had a feeling that wasn't healthy. I didn't care though, but I needed to talk to Fiki. I finally got my chance during the 11a.m. break. I went towards the garden, where I knew she liked to go to be away from everyone. As I expected, I found her there, seated on the bench alone, staring at the waddling ducks. She looked so tranquil I felt a guilty pang as I walked towards her. She turned quickly when I sat next to her and then at the journal in my hand.

"So the stars have chosen this day huh." She said shortly.

"Why am I finding out like this? Is this what you were afraid to tell me? Why you pushed me away?"

"Why are you talking like it's my fault? It's not my fault I have feelings alright? It's not my fault I have a thing for you!"

"Don't you think I know that? What I don't understand is why you'll push away your friend. Why couldn't you just tell me? I thought we were closer than that!"

"Tell you?'', she retorted. ''You wouldn't stop talking about her, thinking about her, even when you were next to me, so tell me how did you expect me to deal with it?!"

"I love her!", I said, feeling the pain of heartbreaking my friend and the pain of knowing the love between Raha and I would hurt a person I cared about. I felt my eyes watering. Fiki started laughing, while a tear fell down her cheek. I stopped and looked at her in shock, my chest heaving up and down.