oh, i know that guy

the one who broke me

I thought about saving this story for a little further on but maybe it's best to just rip the bandaid off. As you can probably tell from the title, this one is not going to be easy for me but here we go...

The same night I met emo guy I also met another man, one who would do some fucked up things to my heart... both good and bad. He was also up late with us. I shared a pull out bed with the two of them, never fully knowing that both would change me in different ways. It would take a little longer for him to worm his way in, though. After one of my brothers found out that his wife was pregnant with their first child, he had asked me to move back to California to be their live-in nanny. I needed a fresh start so I was ALL IN!

I moved back, took care of a baby until she was a toddler until I moved a few hours away to attend a real university. (side note: my therapist in the Army told me to name the baby that died and my brother's kid has the same name) It was there that I reconnected with one of my college roomies and she convinced me to visit her back on the east coast. I was also still in contact with this future heartbreaker. We messaged each other pretty frequently at that point. I was planning on flying into his current city in the middle of my Spring Break between visiting different friends. We decided to hang out also. Little did I know that I would fall in love with him over those few short days. If you haven't figured this out yet.. I fall quickly and I fall hard. I dont shy away from love or pain. Well, at least until this guy ripped my heart out.

I stayed with him for one night and we immediately connected on a different level. Every quip I flung at him he lobbed back with ease. We communicated in straight sarcasm and it was invigorating. I had never met anyone like him and I was infatuated. He was sad that I was going to be spending the next few days a few hours south of him. We stayed in contact and within a day he drove down to spend those few days with me. I was definitely head over heels by the time I flew back home. I remember writing in my digital journal about how I felt and hoping he wasn't going to find someone else while I was 3000 miles away. I even remember listening to Taylor Swift's "Enchanted" and thinking... please don't be in love with someone else. Pretty dramatic after a few days... welcome to my life! Ha!

Anywho... within a week I received a FaceBook status request from him, asking to be his girlfriend. What a couple of millenials! He also sent me the only flowers he would buy me for our entire relationship that day. What a lucky gal! For the next six months we were long distance, I visited him once or twice in that time frame and he flew out to me once. I saw him everyday once FaceTime was a thing. I also vividly remember cleaning his room those two times I visited.. which really should have been a flashing red flag for me but when we're in love, we're blind. Or at least I am. As it got closer to the time for me to graduate, he was also about to be laid off from his fancy government job, one in which he worked with a certain company which sent rockets into the deep blue of space. It was the perfect time for us both to start over somewhere new together. Then he went and got a good job in the same damn city I left when I moved back to California. If I was looking for a new adventure... I was disappointed. 

I drove across the country with my sister over the week of New Years and we went from being 3000 miles apart to living together. To be fair, I was completelt ready for that change. I had been married before, I had five siblings growing up, I know what it means to share space. He, on the other hand, lived in a "different wing of the house" from his one and only sister. We were not the same. I think that big leap was a little too much for him. Not to excuse his future immaturity when dealing with that concern, but with distance I can see his side a little more. 

I went from being this fun, independent girl who lived far away to being all up in his face every minute he was home. I didn't get a job right away. I was living in that liminal space after college of thinking I was "too good" to just get any job that paid the bills. What a dumbass. Needless to say there was tension. More from him than me but I was pretty good at ignoring it. We would never break up, right? That's not what people in love do...

One day I got my heart stamped on pretty damn hard. Out of nowhere, to me, he broke up with me. I literally dropped to me knees and begged him... begged him.. to reconsider. He was in the back bedroom,  sitting on the edge of the bed. I plead with him, tears streaming down my face, "please, please. You won't reconsider?".... "No."

I remember standing up, walking down the long hallway. About halfway to the livingroom my legs gave out. I cried harder than I probably ever had in my life. Maybe as hard as when I lost my child. My heart had been completely ripped from my body. It may seem a little dramatic and it was. But here I was, being rejected... again. Time after time men told me "you're great.. you'll find someone else." Only to wind up here again, crumpled on the floor and crying every ounce of tears  that exists in my body. It only took me a week to find a new place, a moderately sketchy place that was cheap as hell. I found a job, contemplated getting food stamps but felt to guilty to ask for any help, and started to reestablish my life. I worked three jobs, paid my bills, went through the motions. I brought him soup when he was sick, left it at his door while another girl was inside. I am not proud of how utterly pathetic I was but it was real for me. He also told me during this time apart that "he had loved me." Never once in that first year together had he said those words to me. I couldn't help but be furiated with him. What the fuck was the point in telling me that now? Was he just trying to hurt me more? Ugh!

I did start chatting with a guy I grew up next to and even made plans to meet up with him when I visited California. I was ready to get back out there! And it was nice to hear someone tell me that I was desirable. About two weeks before I went back home, heartbreaker and I hung out again. Of course I had sex with him like the complete idiot I am. He also saw that I got a text from this other guy. He was jealous but I told him that he and I weren't dating anymore so I could do whatever I wanted. And I did. I had sex with that other guy when I went home... ha! But then started dating dumbass again after I got back. OOPS!

We eventually moved back in with eachother but not for about 6 months after we got back together. We really were better when we lived at least a few hours frm each other.. that is pretty telling to be honest. We settled into life together and lived together for the next several years. I tried to be in shape as he always cared about his own appearance. I still remember him telling me once that "he would marry me if I were skinnier." Talk about fucking with my head! I have not been super skinny since I left the army but I don't think I have every been fat-fat. But that really dug into my self-confidence. After we had been together for another three and a half years I went home for Christmas to see my family, who I am pretty close with. The day before Christmas Eve I got a text from him telling me that he "couldn't do this anymore." Then he preceded to turn his phone off for almost the whole rest of the day. Lifke, WTF?! We lived together and he broke up with me over text message after being together for five years? Who does that!!?? A douchbag, that's who.

To say it was tense when I got home is an understatement. We also lived together for another five months in separate rooms. I lived in the game room which meant when he wanted to play his games late at night, I had to just lay there in the room or find somewhere else to be. We were friendly. I am not someone who gets vindictive or hateful. I loved him still. Even when I tried not to, you can't just shut that off. To help mysel get over him, I asked him if he ever cheated on me. Turns out he did. He actually had been leaving his phone around without a password, in hope that I would snoop. And of course I never did because I trusted him... like an idiot. The girl he heated with was married with a kid and happened to also grow up in the same town as me... across the country.. what are the odds? According to him, she was his "soulmate," talk about twisting the knife in even further. That had been hooking up on and off for months. Ugh. That was all I needed to know in order to never ever let him back in my life. 

He went on to start dating someone else right after I moved out and we still communicated every so often. I even gave him dating advice like, "stop talking to the married girl if you're dating someone new." And "stop being a fucking idiot!" Well, he now had a kid with that girl so hopefully he's miserable and hopefully she spends all his money.

But that relationship was almost seven years ago and it still makes me sad from time to time. I am not sure I can ever trust anyone fully anymore. He definitely pushed me into a hoe phase... so lucky for you we'll get more ridiculous dating stories. You'll learn about that guy who had a rapp sheet, the one who threw up on himself and the guy that I gave a blowjob to in a parking garage.. lucky you! lol

STAY TUNED!