oh, i know that guy

that one guy i married

It seems fitting to start here. And I am the director of this here story so whatever I say, goes.

So let's take a little journey back to two thousand and two, I know, it was like both yesterday and also twenty-something years ago. Buckle up because there will be some laughing, some crying (on my part), and maybe a drug dealer who gets caught throwing opiates off a motorcycle while speeding through a small town and gets sent to Narcotics Anonymous, or something like that.

In 2002, post 9/11, my sister and I decided to join the army together. Well, she decided to and I kind of followed her. I was a little aimless at eighteen, living with my mom and thinking about going to fashion design school. We were a lower middle-class family and the tuition was steep so I followed my sister, lock step, off to basic training. I did ok there, minus an injury that left me in crutches (later on). I was always one step behind my big sister, which I didn't mind most of the time. We had signed up together so we graduated basic together and continued into our training together. And I HATED it. I was on some meds for my leg that made me sleepy and I got super lazy.. well, as lazy as the army will let you be. My grades slipped and instead of pushing myself to try harder I convinced myself that I would just quit. I didn't actually have those thoughts directly at the time but my forty-something year-old brain knows exactly what kind of patterns a younger me could get into. Hey look, GROWTH!

Needless to say, the army doesn't just let you quit, instead I was reclassified into a new job, and that's where this story really starts.

I met my future husband at a tattoo shop, I know that seems ominous but he was mostly an alright guy. Of course, younger me was smitten but I've been in a few relationships since and the distance gives you clarity. My first hubby was a little mouthy, a little defiant and oh so sexy to naive little Kelli. We met through a mutual friend and I remember telling that friend the following words, "he is the most annoying man I've ever met." Alas, I married him. Ha!

We started dating while still in training. There was never any discussion about being "official", it just happened. Happened after he took my virginity, that is. And that story is a little wild but not in the way you might be thinking, in this world of ever-present pornography. I was staying off post with a few buddies of mine, a group of guys that had somehow become like my brothers. The kind that were a tad mean but mostly were good at looking out for me. I was naive then so I needed some people to look out for me.

I knew this guy only by his last name, military life, I guess? Anyways, I called up that mutual friend of our to get Future Husband's digits. He happened to be with this guy so he dropped him off at the hotel room. Hotel rooms were common for us on weekends, so we could drink and hang out, let loose. Nothing nefarious really happened here, except some underage kids drinking and getting a little too loud. That particular weekend, I lost my virginity. That's a really weird phrase... lost? Like you misplaced it. It wasn't part of my plan, I was just kinda hoping for a little make-up sesh. But anywho, we didn't talk for a few weeks after and I got all into my girl brain thinking it was bad or I did something wrong... turns out he had just gotten locked up in jail for a few days... classy dude, right?

He was a little loud and rowdy. Like most eighteen year old boys out on their own in the world left with too little adult supervision. He would get these bad headaches so he decided it was a good idea to use BC powder. Which might also look like a different, less legal kind of drug to the untrained eye. Doesn't help when you goad the police into thinking it IS this illegal substance. What a dumbass.. and I am even stupider for marrying him, to be honest. If you've ever been an eighteen year old girl than you might have also made a terrible decision, or four, in your life. This was just the beginning.

We spent most nights in my barrack's room because as a girl in my unit, I got my own room and only had to share my bathroom with one other girl. Much more private.. or I thought. We once were a little too... uh... loud and the sergeant at the front desk asked me to keep it down because he got some "complaints." If you just got embarassed reading that, imagine how red my face got in the moment. I went from virgin girl who barely kissed a guy to the hoe in the barracks having too much loud sex for ARMY men. It might have been jealousy but at the time I was just mortified.