oh, i know that guy

the one who threw up on himself

One night, while extremely bored, I decided it was a good time to scroll on Tinder. I have since learned that this is not a productive pastime but ... ahh, youth.; if you consider 30 still a learning age. 

Anywho, I matched with a shorty and I am not altogether biased against shorter men as I am on the smaller stature side, so I decided to pursue a date. What I am biased against is a man who makes his whole personality hunting. I swear that I lived in a legit town and not the backwoods but here I found myself with another man who probably thought squirrel meat was a delicacy. This date ended even worse than the last, as you can see by the title. But, let's first take a little stroll down memory lane. 

This guy picked me up in a large truck, which is not unusual for a man of his hobbies. So here I was in a booth at a brewer enjoying a cider and some mac and cheese, and we started talking about tattoos. I have a few myself but I am not an obsessive fan. But this is the point in the date that I knew there was no future. You can call me shallow and you wouldn't be altogether wrong in this instance. He leaned over and said, "This arm is for huntin' and this arm is for fishin'." No lie, he was going to dedicate each arm to his love of hunting or fishing, permanently, forever, and ever....

Well, now there was no pressure, on my part at least, so I relaxed into the seat and tried to enjoy the conversation, as best as possible. Something you need to know about me is I am a pretty intelligent person. Maybe I am not selling that side of myself in these stories but, I pride myself on the knowledge I have attained and maintained in my lifetime. That being said, I also need someone who knows things I don't. Someone who can challenge me with interesting conversation. Not all men of his breed are boring, but this man was not the leader of the pack in terms of intelligence. But I'm nothing if not a push-over people pleaser which is why the date continued beyond dinner. 

We walked down the street to a local dive bar for a drink or two. We were each about two beers deep at this point and one of us needed to get me home so while he bought me a drink (even after I said I didn't need one), I didn't take more than a sip or two. Especially after watching him take three shots with random people we were standing next to. Don't get me wrong, I don't have an issue with drinking or having a good time but that was a little excessive for a first date, especially one that was already not going very well. However, we will learn later that he did not think the date was as bad as I did.

When it came time to leave, I grabbed his keys and drove us both back to my place. Almost immediately after pulling out onto the street, he slumped over and presumably took a little nap. There are a lot of lights between my house and this place we were at so it took longer than I would have liked to get home. On the drive, while stopped at a light I saw his body jerk slightly in his seat and proceeded to vomit all down his front and into the foot area of his side of the truck. This man THREW UP on HIMSELF on a first date. How could it get any worse? Well, it does... for him.

After I parked at my complex, he seemed to perk up a little. Luckily, I had already rolled down the window or else I would have puked myself. He asked if he could come inside to "sleep it off." No sir, you may not. You just downed three shots and multiple beers, why would I trust you inside my home? Absolutely not. I advised him to sleep it off in his truck, I lived in a decent area and I knew no one would bother him. Did he take my advice? Sadly, no.

Color me surprised when I got a call from him the next day. I didn't answer at first but he called again not that long after so I figured it was best to just handle this right then and there. This man proceeded to ask me out on a second date.  Needless to say, I did not pursue that avenue.