What if I would tell you that Cale was a very weak person and was doing his best to proof himself that there was a reason to go on?
Well it was true, Cale was not in his right mind and sooner or later he would break. Unable to live any further and...
I was there looking at myself and then at the dagger in my hand. Was this really it? Should I do it? Should not do it? I was scared of the outcome but at the same time I had enough of everything. Call me indecisive but I didn't care about this. My problem was more or less the reaction of everyone else. They would swarm at me and maybe even scold me for being stupid. Would they notice my mood? Would they notice that I have my problems? I wasn't so sure about this. For me, this just was getting more and more alluring. Something about this blade made me lay it on my hand inside my palm.
I can still say this was an accident like this...
I just need to wake up from this nightmare!
I had enough feeling down!
I don't want to be alone forever!
They don't even truly care for me!
Is this even reality?
I guess, everyone got their problems....
No matter how hard, I was thinking or trying to tell myself that I was not the only one suffering, it didn't really help much. My feelings were still the same. I felt glumy and there was this hard feeling in my chest. It was as if someone was on me, pushing my chest together, chocking me. The clumb in my throat was also not letting me talk at all. I felt tears well up in my eyes and my lips were quivering. Oh how long it was that I have cried like this.
If I had to decribe the feeling that I had right now than I would say drowning. The moment when one get's into the water and can't breathe because of all the water. The burning in their lungs where the only burning inside of me was my anxiety and my guilt of being here in this world deceiving every single person. Was I really who I was? Was I really here because of a reason or was this just an accident?
Maybe I was just going crazy as well!
The feeling got worse and worse. I wanted to escape it soo badly that I finally closed my hand around the blade and pulled it out of my gasp while cutting myself right into my palm. It definitely woke me up from the feeling I had as pain was now the only thing that I felt.
Me: *gasp*
What am I doing here?
I should stop for now... I will wake the others... better clean up the mess...
Let's get some water...
After I was done, I decided my handkerchief to get the blood away and wrap it around my hand before walking out of there. The air was filled with blood but nothing some good perfume and alcohol could change. There were after all a lot of that stuff around for some reasons. Of course I used all of it and hoped that it would cover the smell of blood while I got out and went outside. Right now the only thing I neede was air.
I wonder what I should do from here on out....
I don't want this anymore.
I lost my goal... it was never mine to begin with.... why was I even soo eager to survive and find out the treasures....
I must have been crazy!
There was a bottle of good viskey in my hand and everyone knew me as a drunkyard from the past but right now, I just had to be drunk to forget all my sorrow and my problems.
Even saving a dragon who is now attached to me...
Werewolfs as well....
I must be crazy....
Why am I doing this?
Why am I trying to get attention... no, I am trying to prove that I exist but why?
This is not my reality!
This is nonsense!
I want to get back... I want to be left alone... I want to just end this!
It seemed as if the whiskey in my hand was not work since I started thinking more and more about the fact that there was nothing left in this world that I could say was a goal in life. I had nothing to live for, nothing to enjoy. All the times, I was just worried about the future about what would happen and I was preparing for it. Meanwhile Cale as a person should have died long long time ago by the hands of Choi Han. Then what was the meaning in going on when the future would be nothing but hell....
I contined drinking and drinking more till the bottle was empty and I got angry smashing it against the cold hard floor of the garden. I was currently in an in with all my people. It was a break from what I had planned and I was just glad that Choi Han was not here. My own goal was a nice hotel at the sea side and just relax there. Maybe things would get better after I get a bit of time to relax on top of getting that other artifact which I for now gave up finding. All I wanted was to get to a place where no one was around and for people to leave me alone.
I just needed some time alone....
Some time to think....
Some time to rot....
And...
Aome time to die....
As I should have from the getta go....
A/N:
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