Just for Now

Journal Entry - 10

Our wedding was the best day of my life.

We got married by the beach— the weather was perfect, Alli looked like a dream, and I couldn't stop smiling.

I don't think there was even a second where I took my eyes off Alli. How could I? Sometimes, I go into our back closet where her dress is just to see it. I like thinking back to our wedding. Her dress was this satin gown that was fitted at the top and flared out after her waist. It was relatively simple, but she looked so beautiful. Her red hair was pinned up into a bun, but she pulled it down when we danced. I never told her, but I think she knew I loved how it looked when I would spin her around.

I remember she joked that if I didn't cry as she walked down the aisle, she would be turning around. She didn't need to worry though, I was a fucking blubbering, love-sick fool the second I saw her. I couldn't stop crying either, our pictures looked insane. But Alli loved them, she thought they were perfect.

I think one of the funniest parts was how drunk the twins got. They were convinced our Mom had no idea, either. They tried to act casual, which only made it worse. They were covered in bruises the next day from falling so much.

Nate even crashed the wedding by singing some sappy song about wanting to grow old with my sister. I thought it was hilarious, but hey, it worked on her considering they're getting married now.

I wished our honeymoon never ended either. I mean, seriously. Who would want to leave Greece?

But... what's the expression? All good things come to an end? I never really bought into that... until now, I guess.

Cause after the wedding came some issues. We were good for a while— really good. I mean, really good.

When you've known someone for so long and for so many different stages of your life... things just change. It happened throughout my life with different people. It was a hard pill to swallow— drifting apart from people. But it was one of the only things in life that always happened. I had friends in high school who I don't really talk to anymore, we just became different people. My friends in college and I talk now and then, but everything has just changed. It was easy when we saw each other every day. And when someone stops trying, it was hard to be the only one reaching out.

I always thought Alli and I were different. That we were tethered. That we would beat the odds. But maybe all we did was delay the inevitable.

I've thought about it a lot, how it started with the little stuff. But then it became bigger and bigger and bigger.

I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for making her think I wanted kids more than I wanted her.

I didn't know what it was exactly until Alli told me. I didn't realize I was rushing through life because I was terrified of running out of time, just like my Dad. I couldn't really blame her for not wanting to live like that, it was exhausting.

But maybe all we do is run out of time.

Maybe all we can do is run out of time.

No matter how fast we run, no matter how much we manage to squeeze in... all anyone ever does is run out of time in the end.

Did we do enough?

Did we waste the time we had?

I need to make peace with that. I had to be happy with the things I've done so far in my life.

Maybe if I realized that earlier, I could've saved us.

Maybe I still can.