CHECKERED FLAG - c.l [2]

Hold On

The edit on my phone was replaying again and again as I washed my hands in the sink, patting them dry on my jeans.

I had been watching tiktok edit's of Charles and I for the last 15 minutes in the bathroom of Dee's house, getting myself worked up over nothing.

I didn't realise people liked me enough to make edits of me, creating little story lines between Charles and I from last season, it was entertaining to say the least. But I couldn't help but thinking deeper on the videos where they said Charles had been 'looking' at me in that way when we weren't ever official but in our fake relationship.

The bin in my bedroom still held notes crumpled up words describing my hurt and pain through some soppy poem, but no words could ever amount to the physical pain I was in.

"Are you going to come out or what?" Dee bangs on the other side of the door, the sound of her dog at her feet, barking.

I call out to her, telling her I'll be out in a minute, but I didn't plan on it just yet.

We were back in Monaco for a few weeks before heading off to Bahrain for the first race weekend back.

I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't looking for him on every street corner, or in the harbour when we were on the boat earlier this week, hoping I could catch a glimpse of him.

Dee's apartment was only a few streets away from Charles's and most nights I found myself sitting on her balconing, looking down at the roads whenever a loud exhaust echoed through the tall buildings, begging to see his car turn the corner.

I exit the bathroom finally, walking back through into the living room where Lewis and George were playing on Dee's PlayStation, arguing between each other.

"You're clearly looking at my half of the screen," George shoves into Lewis, making him drop his controller on the floor.

Dee was sat on the arm chair beside them, her laptop on the brightest screen setting in the darkened room, a pile of documents surrounding her feet and the coffee table.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game," Lewis laughs loudly, "yeah well I'm hating you because you're cheating." George grunts as Lewis scores another goal, jumping up from the couch.

I walk through the living room unnoticed, snatching the box of cigarettes up off the table before gliding back out and onto the balcony where the dent in the bean bag I was sitting on hadn't changed since I was last out here.

Closing the door behind me, I exhale a deep breath, closing my eyes as the sun had just settled behind the horizon, the city lights beginning to turn on, creating an orange haze over the city.

I fall back onto the bean bag, the softness hugging my arms as the early year wind sweeps through me.

Lighting a cigarette I pull my phone out of my jeans pocket again and continue with my scrolling.

It was addictive.

After another 30 minutes of scrolling I decide to drive my feelings out, knowing I was only going to get sadder if I continued to sit out there on that balcony, listening to sad music and watching videos of him and Charlotte.

The sound of my keys clanking makes Dee look over the top of her laptop as I'm slipping my shoes on by the front door.

"Which car are you taking?" she asks me as I'm pulling my hoodie up and over my head.

"The Porche," I mumble.

The sound of her laptop slamming closed catches the attention of Lewis and George who pause their game to look between the two of us.